"He claims I bash him over the head with everything he's ever done wrong, and that I hold all the power in our relationship. He gets angry when I accuse him of drinking because of course he hasn't been. He says I blame everything on him, think I'm perfect, and deflect any topic about something I do wrong back to him. He makes me want to throw up."
This is common, I know you have probably been reading that here.
The single most effective action I have started trying to master with my RAH is to detach from what he blames me for and not take it personally.
I acted out of guilt and self loathing for so long, and now I am just beginning to be able to think about or hear what he says and say, "uh huh...OK..." I watch it like its a movie.
I listen like its a song he has written about a fictional character. And I just say, "OK."
Getting this detachment away from how he paints the scenario, and how he projects his stuff onto me has started to allow me to make clearer decisions...to believe myself more than his quackery.
I know its easier said than done.
Alcoholics need to project their fears, their shortcomings onto others. They also need to be victimized a lot. Woe is me, yadda yadda...Very self centered. Of course he wants you to absorb all of that crud. The responsibility for their own actions is unbearable to them, but that is not your problem.
This detached observation might be what your therapist is asking for from you. She MAY be, (and I dont know this for sure, of course),, but she may be wanting you to stop reacting to his spewing. Just be sort of be still and watch.
Keep posting!