Hi,
I have two kids, ages 5 and 3 and reading your post hit close to home... I have been told I beat my AH over the head with all his "sins" whenever I dare to say that how he behaves is not okay. I have been told I am the cause of all the problems in our marriage, told I am crazy, painted as the bad guy to friends and family and even though deep down I know it's not true, it's hard to believe it -- exactly as you describe.
I've only been separated from my H for 2 weeks but I have told him for several months now I will NOT go to marriage counseling until he is in treatment for alcoholism.... Every therapist I've talked to has said that until an addict is dealing with their addiction (ie: being honest about their behaviors and their thinking that gets them into those behaviors) marriage counseling is essentially a waste of time. Maybe that's not always the case but it sure made sense to me and if you're feeling like it's not working for you, that would probably be why.
I really really really know the heart sinking, devastation feeling of warming up to your spouse or having them warm up to you and then finding that they have been deceiving you (as you describe finding the smell of alcohol as he hugged you).
I am really sorry you and your kids are living this way-- it seems that there are way too many of us in very very similar boats on here...
I have not a bit of advice since I am struggling to stay afloat myself, but I can empathize and offer a virtual hug to you and your kids...
One of the things that is helping me right now is to remind myself that my kids seem a lot more peaceful and less anxious with my H and I living apart. It doesn't make it hurt less, it doesn't take away the sadness of what I wish our marriage and family was, but when I remind myself that my 2 precious girls aren't being tormented day in and out with the insanity of alcoholism now that we're separated, it makes it just a little more palatable.
I am also taking it hour by hour lately-- forget one day at a time, I am going for the hourly thing for now...
Hang in there!