I've read the stickies and I already love you guys, and need some emotional support. Is it okay to ask for that? I'm sure I'm a codie and that my husband is an alcoholic, and I'm worried for my health and the future lives of my 7yo daughter and 3yo son, who idolize and adore their father.
I'm separated from my AH, and in marriage counseling presumably to save our marriage. I doubt it would be worth saving were it not for our kids. I have it clear in my mind that I don't want them to be without their father, but that they are going to need to see a good, strong example in me in order to deal with this situation as they grow older.
My AH doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, and swears he has quit drinking in the months (8) since we separated. The two times I caught him buying or drinking were his "only" slip-ups. Just this last weekend when he finally warmed up to me after a week of coldness, he hugged me and I smelled that sour "yellow" smell coming out of his skin. My heart plummeted and I've been having anxiety attacks for a week. I wrote a note telling my kids I loved them in case my heart exploded in my sleep. It was racing; I could feel my pulse throughout my body, thumping against the sheets.
He claims I bash him over the head with everything he's ever done wrong, and that I hold all the power in our relationship. He gets angry when I accuse him of drinking because of course he hasn't been. He says I blame everything on him, think I'm perfect, and deflect any topic about something I do wrong back to him. He makes me want to throw up.
I realize through your experiences that I cannot change him, cannot cure him, cannot even convince him. How do I detach? How do I cut the ties that bind him to me, without harming my children? How do I stop hoping, and stop this turmoil, these roller coaster rides of agony?
What good is marriage counseling? The therapist asks me if I can sit quietly in the dark and listen to him talk without trying to read his emotions, and I think "What"? You mean walk right into the cage he's trying to lock me in? My sixth sense about him has been dead on, so you want me to turn it off now and just succumb to insanity.
Why do I feel empathy for him when he has none for me? Why do I care if I hurt him?
Thank you for any help you can give, if even it's just a shout out from this side of reality. Remind me that the world is top side up.
