Thank you all for the replies. I know that I can't make him do anything. I know that it has to be his decision. I tried to walk away from him... more than once. The thing is, I couldn't. I really do love this man, and we have so much in common. If he didn't drink, we would be perfect. I can't give up on that ....yet. I don't want to say that he needs me, but I know without me, he has no one else in his life to encourage him to have a good life.
His issues go way deeper than just drinking. He has no family, and had no one until me. He was kind of a drifter and thought very little of himself. He is just now starting to see that he can be whoever he wants to be and can have whatever he wants. His life has gotten so much better in the past year. I'm not saying I'm great or anything, but if I want something, I work my ass off until I get it. I'm not a quitter, and I don't pity myself, nor do I let others bring me down. I don't think he has ever had much opportunity, and he has never had anyone else believe in him or tell him he can be anything he wants.
I can't say that he is a product of his environment or circumstances, because anyone has the power to do anything that they want. But he is a product of poor self-esteem and lack of self belief. He is just now starting to believe in himself, and other than the drinking, he is a truly amazing man.
I saw a glimmer of hope last weekend. He was with friends while I was working on Saturday. When we got home, he of course was trashed. Usually, he would continue drinking until he passed out. I was in the kitchen doing something. He thought I was making a pot of coffee and asked if I could bring him a cup. So, I made a pot of coffee and brought him a cup. I asked him why he wanted it, and he stammered around the question and then said he didn't want to get more frustrated than he was (he had gotten into an argument with his friend about partying instead of taking care of his family). So, I went out on a whim and asked him if he was saying that he didn't want to drink anymore - that he had had enough? And he said yes, then drank his coffee and didn't have another beer that night.
I'm not trying to enable him, but I know if I walk away, the problem will get worse because every one else he knows will purposefully enable him, as all they care about is partying. When he wasn't with me, he drank every day. At least now, it's only weekends. It has drastically decreased compared to what it used to be.
He has good intentions, and I know he always means well, but I think he is afraid of the truth. He is really a great man, and he wants to be a good person. He just doesn't realize that this is preventing him from doing so. He blames his shakes on too much coffee, blames his upset stomach on something he ate. He just won't see the truth for what it is.
I know that I don't deserve to live this way, and trust me, I do not want to spend my life taking care of him, or avoiding him, or sleeping on the couch. I do take care of myself, and I have a good life. I know that some people never change, I know that walking away is the easy thing to do. I know what my options are. I also know that eventually I will leave. I know that every weekend when I look at him passed out. I know that but I don't know what my last straw is. I keep waiting and hoping for his AHA moment when he see's the truth. I keep waiting for him to say he doesn't want to drink and that he needs help.
But, what I want to know is in situations where your loved one did realize they had a problem and get help - was there anything that happened that triggered their change? Was there anything that you did to motivate them? What made them realize? Did they lose their job, get a dui, get in a fight? I know all of this is out of my control, but I feel that he can change and deep down wants to, but isn't ready to admit it yet.
How do you love someone and be with them without enabling them? How do you let them know that you love them and are always there for them without condoning their behavior?