jenny69

I have been reading soberrecovery for a long time, but joined this group a few days ago when i posted, in despair, about my sweet alcoholic boyfriend who is not yet committed to recovery. He has a pattern of lying to me (and everyone else really) -- and making his life unstable and a little scary. I have agonized over my own feelings of suspicion, fear, judgment and responsibility. I have felt terrified and disturbed, yet valuable and gifted, as I have participated in his self-destructive, passive-aggressive (but generous, funny and gentle) life.

For some reason that has made me feel like such a damaged person, such a sick individual who has mean ideas about good people. Also because he has been so loving, so adoring, he always made me feel like I was beautiful and rare. But i am starting to think that kind of absolute love has a price. It's just very seductive for those of us who think we aren't worth of any kind of real love.

After reading a lot of people's stories and thinking hard about the responses I got to my post, we broke up today. Because it kind of helped me see that my situation is in no way exceptional, unique, or particularly important. it seems that people in relationships (maybe esp. in alcoholic/codie?) create a tiny little microcosm, and protect it at all costs. no matter how objectively unhelpful, or dysfunctional or even stupid it is. He and I both benefited (and were held back) by this powerful myth of our unique irreplaceable bond.

Thanks everyone for helping me grasp this. Time for a new story.