wanttohelp0318

I have been dating this guy for a year. I knew that he drank from the beginning, but didn't know the seriousness of it at first. He is not from here, so he didn't know many people, and the people that he did know and was living with spend their entire day drunk and living in filth. He would complain about these people on a constant basis and say he doesn't know how they can live like that.

That's the funny thing. He can see when someone else has a problem, but can't see that he is no different from them. And that the things he says about them are equally true about himself.

At the beginning, we would go to my house after work and he would ask me to stop at the bar so he could get a 6 pack. He would drink the entire 6 pack in a very short amount of time. I know a lot of people that can do that and don't have a drinking problem, so I didn't think much of it. Then, when he wasn't with me, he would text me all night long. The later it got, the more the msgs didn't make any sense and were illegible. If I asked him if he was drinking, he would say he had a few, but always denied being drunk. One night, I went out with my friends for a girls night, came home and found him passed out on my couch. I couldn't wake him up for anything. I was shaking him, shouting, slapping him across the face, and nothing. I started to get scared, so I got a spray bottle that I use for the dogs and sprayed him in the face. He finally aroused a little, and I yelled at him, and went to bed. He tried to come to bed with me and I told him to go away. The next morning, he went home, and that night, I told him I wasn't going to deal with it. I told him that I lived with an alcoholic father most of my life, and I wasn't going to be with someone who was like that. He promised he wasn't like that, and that he didn't have a drinking problem, and he could stop whenever he wanted. So, I told him that it was either me or alcohol. He told me that he loved me and nothing was more important than me and that if he had to never drink again to keep me, he would do it. I told him I wanted him to quit because he wanted to, not for me.

Anyways, he quit and was sober from May to November. During that time, he admitted that he had a problem, but that he didn't want to drink, and that his will power was stronger than his desire to drink and that I was so important to him, that he would never risk losing me.

Then it happened. There were several nights when I was talking to him that I sensed he was drinking, but every time I questioned him, he would get mad at me and accuse me of not believing in him. He denied it every time. Then he started avoiding me, and making up excuses to not be around me, and ignoring me for hours on end, then getting mad at me for being upset about it. He then said that maybe we need to take some time to think about what we want. I told him that I knew what I wanted, but if he wasn't sure, then I had no say in that. He kept saying that he loved me more than anything. He finally admitted that he was drinking again, and that he knew it was either me or alcohol. Every other person in his life encouraged him to drink. I was the only person who didn't. He would go hang out with his friends and tell them that he didn't want to drink anymore, that he quit, and they would still always offer him a beer or even go buy it for him so it was there, just in case he wanted it. So, I totally understand how he lost that battle.

I told him at this time that I didn't think it was fair of me to give him an ultimatum and that if he was going to quit drinking, he had to do so on his own, because it was what he wanted for himself, and not for me. I asked him if he was drinking again because he wanted to or if it was because he couldn't control it. He said it was because he wanted to.

I can not figure out why I allowed him back into my life at this point, other than the fact that I am so in love with the man he is when he is sober. But, in summary, he lives with me now, and "only drinks on the weekends". I think this is his way to "prove to himself" that he doesn't have a problem. But, I actually took a second job working on the weekends just so I don't have to be around him. He isn't mean or abusive, but I can't stand being around him when he's drunk. He will buy a 30 pack on Saturday, and it's gone by Sunday. He doesn't stop once he starts. He is sloppy, annoying, is on an emotional roller coaster - one minute he's happy, the next he's depressed. He has spilled his drink on my brand new carpet because he misses when he reaches for it. He is clingy, and doesn't listen, or will get upset if I leave the room to get away from him. He is a 37 year old man who turns into a stupid 18 year old drinking for the first time. He will even take a bag with like 6 beers with him if we go anywhere out of the house. (he is never driving) He even does that if I am going to drop him off at his friend's house - 15 minutes away, and he will drink at least 2 beers on the way there. He always passes out, and there have been times when I hear him snoring, and then he sounds like he is choking, so I run to check on him, or he will stop breathing for a few seconds. His breathing is always slowed, and if he does make it to the bedroom, I usually sleep on the couch because he snores so loud that I can't sleep. He starts coughing, and coughs all night long. I have expressed my concerns over the amount that he drinks and that I worry about him. He always says, I know, I'm sorry. But then does it again.

He wants me to quit my second job so we have time to spend together on the weekends, but I don't want to spend time with him while he is like that. I am embarrassed to take him anywhere. I don't want him around my friends or family, so working is my excuse. But then I think if I wasn't working, maybe we could go out and do something that didn't involve alcohol. But I doubt that.

I just wish there was a way that I could make him realize that just because he only drinks on the weekends doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem, and that if it continues, he will lose me. And, that if it continues, I know one day I'm going to wake up one Sunday morning and find him dead because he drank so much that he choked on his own vomit or something. That is my biggest fear.

But, he won't even discuss it. If I try to bring anything up, he gets defensive, refuses to talk about it, then gets upset if I don't let it go. I think he knows he has a problem, but thinks if he admits it, he will have to do something about it, and he doesn't want to do anything about it. And, now that I have allowed the behavior, he thinks it's ok. I have no idea where to go from here. I am willing to help him, but at this point I am at a loss as to what to do. Do I put my foot down again and tell him that we are over? Do I ask him to get help? Do I ignore him and let him realize that he needs help on his own?

Where do I go from here?