Chapter One (continued)..
"A gaslighter has such a flawed sense of self that he can’t tolerate the slightest challenge to the way he sees things. However he decides to explain the world to himself, that’s how you must see it, too— or leave him prey to unbearable anxiety.
Suppose you smile at a guy at a party and your gaslighter feels uncomfortable. The guy not involved in gaslighting might say, “Yeah, I’m the jealous type” or “I know you weren’t doing anything wrong, honey, but it makes me crazy to see you having fun with other men.” He’s willing to at least consider that his discomfort may be caused by the situation or by his own insecurities. Even if you actually were flirting— even if you were flirting outrageously— the nongaslighter could potentially recognize that your behavior, objectionable as he finds it, wasn’t intended to make him feel lousy, even though he may also ask you to stop.
The gaslighter, though, never considers that his own jealousy, insecurity, or paranoia might be involved. He clings to his own explanation: He feels bad because you’re a flirt. He’s not satisfied simply knowing this, either; he has to get you to agree. If you don’t, you’ll be treated to hours of anger, coldness, hurt feelings, or seemingly reasonable criticism. (“I don’t know why you can’t see how deeply you’re hurting me. Don’t my feelings matter to you at all?”)
But it takes two to tango, and gaslighting can take place only when there’s a willing gaslightee, someone who idealizes the gaslighter and desperately wants his approval. If you’re not open to gaslighting, you might simply laugh and brush off the criticism when your jealous boyfriend wrongly accuses you of flirting. But what if you can’t bear the thought that he sees you in such a bad light? Then you might start to argue, trying to get him to change his mind. (“Honey, I wasn’t flirting. That was a perfectly innocent smile.”) Just as the gaslighter is desperate to get his girlfriend to apologize, so is the gaslightee desperate to win her boyfriend’s approval. She may become willing to do anything to make things right with her boyfriend— even accepting his negative, critical view of her.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]