Originally Posted by
Bolina 
You can leave a relationship for any reason, you know? Even the fact that he leaves the cap of the toothpaste. You don't need his permission to leave. And he is free to leave the relationship if your requests to be an active partner and parent who doesn't resort to physical violence don't work for him.
GettingBy, the drinking is a red herring for you. It almost always is. It may not be for him in that his life would be less chaotic if he stopped drinking and got into recovery, but for you it has to be all about the behavior.
Giving myself permission to leave, no matter what, was a big step for me. It is a very basic point but to get my whole being to that point took some work. SR helped me a lot to get there. Keep reading. It also helped to quit engaging in the crazy making conversations. I just refused to go there anymore. It was very hard to get my thinking clear when I was still engaging in the crazy.
I am great for having little snippets and pre-made tapes/sentences/thoughts running through my head. Most were self defeating and they happen all the time, without trying. I mean when I'm driving, in a conversation, in the shower. I almost always have these things running through my head. One of the things I had to do when I was trying to disengage from some of the crazy making was to a) not get into a conversation and b) sometimes he'd talk and I was 'trapped' for a little bit so I had to very pointedly play a different tape in my head. I'd grab onto some other little snippet and make myself think that instead of the old stuff that was so bad for me.
I may have just given the impression that I'm a complete mental case :snicker: but it worked for me. I still do it when I need to.