All I can add is that you sound very unhappy, and it sounds like every direction you turn in your mind you hit a brick wall.
Its been years, and you know from reading here, that just abstaining isnt recovery, and that that is another monster to tackle.
His attitude about the "warden" is obviously a manipulation to make you feel controlling. when you are really just letting him know that you cannot live with the drinking anymore. No warden. And I would steer yourself away fromt he ultimatum thing. He will use that in the blame onslaught.
Just try to keep stating that you need to make choices. And he knows full well WHY. He is not a baby or a kid, or even a teenager. HE knows why.
The rest is HIS to make choices around. It is easier for him to make himself sound persecuted and forced by some "warden" than it is for him to own and remedy his lack of control over his addiction.
Im sorry that its coming down to this.
The kids will be happier if you are. And it sounds like you will be.