FindingPeace had posted this in the gaslight thread, and it really struck a nerve with me.
Originally Posted by
FindingPeace1 
His initial response to my confronting him was to say, "it's not a big deal" and "I did nothing wrong". Now (over a year later) he is saying he acknowledges that it was dysfuctional and he behaved inappropriately.
He has insisted he feels he has been "very consistent" in acknowledging his responsibility.
He complains that the REAL problem is that I waited and got super upset and then "dropped a bomb" on him.
When I say, "What about all the times I brought it up casually and you dismissed it or got defensive?"
He doesn't remember those times, or gets angry and says that's not true.
He says I have demonized him. That I am looking for an excuse to get out. That I falsify the truth. That I misremember. That I twist his words. That I take them out of context.
That is my life in a nutshell. And now I'm left doubting myself, doubting what I KNOW to be true... and bordering on accepting, yet again, that I am the problem, not him. My AH has said similiar things - "You knew this when you married me!" "I can't believe your bringing this up now!" (Drinking has been on ongoing discussion since day 1!), "Wow! Just like that you are willing to throw our life away!"
My AH tells me all the time that I am blaming the drinking because it's an easy scapegoat. It's true there are more problems than just the drinking, but I feel that until the drinking (and all the other irresponsible behavior that goes with it!) goes away - we can't even begin to deal with the other crap.
Am I off base here?
Oh yeah, and let's not forget the fact that he crossed a REAL big boundary when he laid his hands on me (but in his mind, that was my fault).