emp919

I would post with a full-blown story but I don't have time right now; by way of introduction (I've been reading on the forums for a while before I became a member to post), I am the wife of an alcoholic/addict... here is what's up lately, and I would appreciate others' input and observations.

The short form: after a series of off-again, on-again alcoholic relapsing from 2007-2009, during which his disease seems to shift from a shame-based to a blame-based perspective and instead of taking it out on himself, he starts taking it out on me, blaming me for everything including his drinking, becoming passive-aggressive, aggressive, and emotionally/psychologically abusive, all the while seeing a therapist by his sponsor's suggestion for "anger management". In other words, where ten+ years ago, he was the type of alcoholic / addict who would slit his wrists and take it out on himself, now he is the type that rages at me, breaks my things, tells me he hates me for the first time in our life together, etc.

Needless to say, in the way that he is framing (read: blaming) everything to the therapist, the sponsor, and anyone else who will listen, the therapy has only served ironically to make him feel more justified in his blame, anger, etc. Everyone believes him, of course.

Last fall, during all of this, I knew he was sober but I kept saying, "it's like he's drinking but he's not drinking". It was bewildering and confusing. He would be mean and cruel enough to make me start crying, humiliated, and then he would caustically tell me to stop crying, I was damaging the children. Etc. And this was a guy who has been the polar opposite of anything I would call "abusive" for most of our relationship. It was like something started slowly shifting a few years ago, concurrent with alcohol relapses.

Then suddenly out of nowhere, really heavy, regular cologne use (and he is not normally a fragrance wearer). It would smell like he had just doused himself with it before walking in the door when he came home from work. He got more and more caustic, would mock me and laugh at me, etc (I am really relating to the "Why Does He Do That" thread). I began to wonder if he was smoking pot or something before walking in the door, just to get through the evening with us. His moods were erratic, unpredictable. He stunk so much that if he held any of our kids, their hair and clothes would stink nearly as much as him. It seemed like a cover-up for something.

His drug of choice is alcohol (vodka, mainly) but precursor is usually pot and in the past he has moved from alcohol to cocaine. I never smelled nicotine on him during this heavy cologne phase. The cologne usually smelled musky or reminded me of patchouli incense.

Fast forward to January: he has a big alcoholic relapse that I witness; next morning I tell him to live somewhere else until he can be demonstrably clean and sober; I'd had enough of the abuse. I could not do it anymore. You'd think that would be a form of consequence in a way, because the last thing he wanted at that point was to be forced out of his cozy home and situation; where he can depend on me but at the same time treat me with contempt and mock me in front of our children; I felt like a hostage.

But it was apparently no consequence. His sponsor and he decided it was a "little slip" (sponsor has been completely duped by very slick and charming functional AH) and set him up (he's a real estate agent) in a half million dollar vacant home across town, belonging to my AH's ex-sponsor, who was in another state for the winter. So suddenly, my AH is living very comfortably, doesn't have to deal with the trash and the dishes and the potties and the diapers and the children and so forth; zero accountability. He continues to drink. Burning two sponsors at the same time, basically!

When we see him, I start to notice the effects, even without witnessing the actual relapses; the way his mouth looks; sweating when we're outside in the snow; being extra thirsty; the bad tremors in his hands; occasionally the sweet sick smell of alcohol coming off his skin; the sullen, angry moods when he comes to "visit with the kids".

Fast forward to a couple of weekends recently where we had a confrontation or two, with me being put in the position of having to create boundaries that protect myself and the children. First time, he was driving the family mini-van home and had just told our oldest something very upsetting and then told her to keep it a secret, which distressed her even more than what he actually said. She was sobbing and yelling at him from the back row. Through clenched teeth, he says he is not coming home until we get back into counseling (at our joint therapist's advice and advice from Alanon and AA members, I told him that I did not believe he was staying clean and sober and felt we needed to pause therapy because of this; that it was unproductive; truth be told, it was damaging to me and it was a tool of manipulation for him so it was a big mistake to do it in the first place).

I told him calmly he wasn't welcome back home until he sobered up. He said I was the only person in the world who believed as I did; I said perhaps that's because you've fooled everyone else. I told him I cared for him and felt a lot of compassion for him, and I know that he is not staying sober right now and that is very concerning to me. I think this shocked him; he isn't used to me standing my ground on anything, out of fear of losing him/us, but since he left the house, I have grown stronger and clearer. When I said this, he revved the engine and was jerky with the wheel, showing his anger through his driving at about 50 mph. I calmly asked him to stop driving that way with the kids in the car. He said he would drive however he f---ing wants. I said no you won't, and repeated my request. He revved the engine and pulled the same stunts again, saying HE was in control, HE was behind the wheel.

That scared me, which I guess is the effect he was after. After that incident, I talked with my addictions counselor and the domestic violence hotline and was advised to call 911 if that happens again but otherwise do not let him behind the wheel of the family car again until he is maintaining sobriety; at this rate, I think he is probably keeping a blood alcohol level above limit most of the time anyway.

So the next weekend, I hopped behind the wheel before he could say anything; we were headed somewhere and he says he wants to take our oldest (the one he distressed by obliging her to keep a secret from mama) out to dinner for her birthday. I said that was sweet, but that until it was clear he was maintaining his sobriety, he was not getting behind the wheel and taking any of our kids driving anywhere. I'd be happy to drop them off somewhere though, to facilitate their spending special time together. He told me I was very, very sick. He threatened to call the sheriff if he had to. I said ditto, calmly.

Fast forward, four days past this event; I learned what is and is not possible as far as actions to take, from the addictions counselor, domestic hotline, court advocates. So I know what I might do if I had to, if he pressed about driving any of the kids anywhere. I hate to say this, but I wish he would just push me or something, so I could get a protection order and cover my kids with it and prevent him from coming around at all until he figures out what his life is worth. As it is, when he does show up to spend time with them (very little; with his addictions in full throttle, his ambivalence is evident, and confusing to the kids), I never leave them alone with him.

So he shows up this past week on three different days (Thurs, Sat and Sun) reeking and I mean REEKING like febreze or like someone threw him in a dryer full of Bounce dryer sheets or something. Way more than, golly, your shirt smells nice and fresh! Again, if he touches a kid or holds them, they reek with it in their hair and clothes. It is clearly something he has just sprayed or wiped himself down with in the car before coming to see us. Or something.

Hands still have the shakes, his hands look weird, like the skin is tighter than usual or something; maybe bloating? But other than any general thoughts, suggestions, observations from anyone who reads this, I am curious about what someone would be smoking or doing that they would smell like this, this strongly. He went from super-strong cologne (like the car would still stink like it several days later after he'd been in the car an hour) to super-strong "fresh laundry" smell. It is so strong that if I am very near him I start to get a bad headache or feel queasy.

Concurrent with the super-strong febreze smell, suddenly he has gone from belligerent and sullen and threatening to super full of energy, cleaning things, telling me how to clean things (duh, like I don't know), jumping in and "disciplining" the kids after basically being absent from their life for two months, super-chatty with me about what's in the news these days (and he isn't maintaining any sort of relationship with me AT ALL since leaving two months ago). It was weird. He was chasing the kids, doing piggy-back rides. Seemed like a strange energy going on. Couldn't tell if he was over-compensating b/c his ex-sponsor's on his way back to live in his house and my AH will be stuck at the red roof inn soon unless he can sway me to accept him back... or what. You'd think I would know a lot more than I do, being with this man for 18 years but I am pretty naive. So I come to the forum. Anyone here cover up something with super-strong laundry type scent, or know someone who did/does? If so, what's up? I know what clean and sober looks like on my AH (physically, emotionally, mentally; and he has not been working his recovery for a long time, in spite of requisite meetings and sponsor time, even during his dry times) and he isn't there but I have to say, it was almost "over the top" the way he was acting the last 2-3 times he visited, since that threatening me with the sheriff incident. I can't tell what's going on. But I know he isn't clean and he is up to something, or he wouldn't create a cloud of toxic scent as soon as he walks in the door.

Any insights appreciated...

I hate to say this, but I keep wishing he would get a DUI or something, something that would take him out of our hair for a few months or longer; I am really getting so much clearer and stronger and reclaiming parts of myself long lost; the kids are benefiting from this too. I don't want the abuse or the addictions anywhere near them, even the emotional manipulation or the instability and inconstancy have taken their toll on all of us. I don't mean to sound non-compassionate toward him or anyone who is in the addictive vice grip; I have a dear brother who has a year of sobriety whose ups and downs have given him wisdom, perspective and insight that has been really helpful to me.

Thankful for this forum, I read every day and am learning so much. Most importantly, perhaps, that I am not alone in my experiences, and that I am not crazy or imagining things.

~emp919