Well, I guess I was just setting myself up for disappointment. After an encouraging phone call that my ABF was thinking about Antabuse and increasing his MD/counsellor visits, he got trashed on Friday night. Called me at 4 on Saturday, having just woken up from his hangover. He asked if I wanted to come over and watch sports. I asked if he could do it without drinking. He didn't reply, and we haven't talked since.
Intellectually, I know that he is powerless over his addiction, and that is why he "chooses" alcohol over me. Although he always said he would never put anything before me, beer has, again won. And that breaks my heart, because he is the love of my life.
I have been seeing a therapist who said that I (and other ACA) choose alcoholic partners because we are looking to "fix" our childhood. When I told her last week that I felt I had been grieving him and the imminent loss of our relationship, she said maybe I'm grieving my childhood, too.
Today, in a moment of sobbing and grief, I had new clarity around that statement. I have always been seeking someone to pick me over alcohol. My dad picked alcohol over me, and it let him molest me. My mom picked alcohol over me, so she could turn a blind eye to my dad's actions. My brother picked alcohol over me, so he could hide from the abuses in our family, and it let him beat the **** out of me, and tell me that I was worthless. He broke a table on my ankle once. My ABF has actually been the first person to value me, and teach me to value myself, but he can't choose me over alcohol. Sadder still, he can't value himself the way he has valued me.
I will never win over alcohol because it is so much stronger than anyone. Which led me to the realization that I have to be stronger than alcohol. I have to pick myself over alcohol. I guess that is the whole point of recovery, to heal ourselves. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad
Another weekend spent in tears. But I guess that is healing, too...