UGH...saw my AH
Got woken up this morning to the doorbell ringing and knocking on the door. I went to open and saw a truck parked down the road and my husband walking around the side of the house. I cannot remember the last time I actually saw him-a fact that makes me sad but I now realize is a good thing. He asked where my car was-so he probably was surprised that I opened the door. He said he was distributing information door to door and had dropped off a birthday card to me. I was just as surprised to see him on a Sunday morning especially after losing an hour of sleep. And he looked good. Not bloated or bleary eyed. I was a little out of it so I just said thank you and he went on his way. I got the card out of the mail box. Nice, religious-which isn’t really his style and signed, “Be Well” -a generic greeting.
Okay, so he made an effort and he thought of me. And I was ok with it all. So I texted him back to say Thank You and then remembered that he had mail here so I mentioned that. No response.
2 hours later the phone rings and it is him saying he is at the front door for his mail. He comes up the step and I hand it to him, ask if he wants a bag for it. He looked thin so I said, “Have you lost weight?”
“Yes, I look good don’t I?”
And there it is-that let me tell you how wonderful I am because you must not realize it attitude.
I said, “if you had waited 2 seconds I would have said so myself”
He laughed which was good to see him do and then he opened his arms to give me a hug. I miss his hugs so much. And though I have practiced in my head setting boundaries it is just such an intinct to hug him back and just the fact that he wanted to...
And there it was-strike 2. The familiar scent of beer. The one thing I was hoping that him looking good on a Sunday morning meant he had given up.
He said “Take care of yourself” and was actually nice-something I have not seen too much in him in the last year or so.
So I did my chores and tried not to obsess about it and thought about all the good that has been in my life lately.
I went to the grocery store later this afternoon and on the way home what do I see?
His car at the bar. I just broke down and cried. He’s not going to change is he? He is not going to realize how much he is giving up to continue drinking.
And this is why no contact-which has caused me so much anxiety at first, is what I have to do. Everytime I see him I am looking for signs that he is making changes. That he wants to have some kind of relationship with me. I want to believe that every hug means so much more than what he intends it to.
Why do I want to put so much faith in him and so little in me?