I have to reply to my own post to say one more thing regarding this learned helplessness. The first thing I thought about were things two of my kids told me recently:
My son at Christmas told me that he felt I was enmeshed--that I had lost part of myself (he actually very skillfully drew the insight out of me rather than "attacking" me)
My daughter told me how she felt at New Year's, when AH and I entered DS's party. AH was drunk and belligerent. I was "going along"--not wanting to make things worse. But, she said that after we left, she wept copiously, not just because of how her dad was behaving, but because of how I was reacting to his behavior--like a robot just accepting it.
That old song is going through my head..."I can see clearly now, the rain has gone."