blwninthewind

I didn’t intend to do it.
I got a call to ask if I wanted to join RAH for coffee after his (SECOND) meeting of the evening. (Translated A speak to normie speak : Yeah I left the house at 6 and have gone to 2 mtgs and it’s now 9 but I’m going whether you come or not but I don’t want you to say I never ask).

I sat down and had coffee and chatted w/ an AA buddy who I knew well, another came and sat down and next thing I know they are going on and on about how great going to 2 back to back mtgs is and how they enjoy the fellowship afterward.

Then RAH starts saying that he wants to do some service work by taking on an active role in the second mtg every Thurs evening….in addition to his other roles w/ other mtgs and groups.

That is a major factor of our problems, the fact he cannot prioritize. Our family, our kids …are ignored and neglected because he would rather be hanging out w/ his AA friends.

I couldn’t just sit there. I was ready to just leave.
I opened my mouth to make an excuse to leave…but it just didn’t come out.

What did really surprised me.
I said two meetings back to back an evening, and meetings every other evening, plus the ‘fellowship’ after …. Well I’m just not feelin it. (exact words).

They were like …what do you mean? And I opened the gate and it all flooded out….it was very freeing for me.

I love the fact my RAH isn’t drinking…except he’s never home.
My children and I are more neglected than ever and he thinks spending a total of an hour home, of which he’s on the damn phone w/ his AA buddy’s is perfectly fine.

Leaving for his 8 pm mtg at 6:30 to he can meet before, then will stay after, going for coffee…the norm is arriving home around 11 or 12. And that is NOT acceptable to me as a partner in this marriage. I realize that he needs his AA to stay sober, and it must be a priority however, so does his family. Maybe not ME, but definitely his kids.

We had a major discussion. I was able to say there w/ his friends and him right next to me that although he now says he wants to stay and try to work it out….I don’t think I want to. I’ve done my time. I’ve been abused, manipulated and ignored for almost 20 yrs and I don’t really want to do this for 20 more whether he’s actively drinking or not.

I told them …nothing has changed. I don’t want to live the same way I have for the past 20 yrs, that to me is intolerable.

My RAH was shocked. He kept saying…”I havn’t heard this before”.
And I countered…. “you think because YOU decided you don’t know if you love me anymore and you need to think about your feelings before YOU decide whether to stay or go…that’s it. Done deal. Guess what, I get to choose whether I WANT to be with a person who treats me so badly….and I just don’t think I do.”

I listened to the good advice that was given to me, I did take it to heart… it felt good to share out in the open…tell someone IRL who gets it.

That when I sat there and cried that it DID hurt that he can’t commit to me but wants to buy new furniture because it ‘might’ make him want to stay…and how ridiculous and crazy that sounded to me, understood.

He said he needs to work on ‘balance’ btwn his recovery and family … uh ya think?
But I wasn’t about to let him play that either…and told his friends that this is the first time I’ve heard that what he’s doing isn’t right. Every other time I’ve heard that I’m blocking his recovery. He NEEDS all this time away to stay sober, work his program …etc. I’m just really tired of hearing that I’m the unreasonable crazy wife.

Being able to say out loud that I deserve more than he’s willing or able to give me is huge.

We were both asked flat out if we loved one another….he said he doesn’t know, I told them it doesn’t matter how I feel or what I feel…what does is that I don’t need or want what I have in my life. I am deciding what is better for me and my kids and I’m not letting how I feel get in the way.

It felt good to sit w/ two other people who were actually listening to me and not discounting how I felt.

When I said to them I just want him to treat me the same way he treats his friends…and he doesn’t. He denied it but I told him it’s time he stop denying reality because I’m not anymore.

We got home really late. He was so mad at me.
I don’t know what he had been telling them but it was obvious they were in the dark on what was going on.

First words out of his mouth were “had so and so not been there…that conversation would have gone much differently” it was very menacing. My RAH is not abusive (physically) but that really freaked me out…but I am not going to run scared.

I told him of course it wouldn’t have…but I’m glad it did and I walked away.

I felt like a boulder was lifted from my back, still do. I am loving the fact that I’m putting myself and my children first and now he knows it too.

Now there is talk about making schedules, writing on the calendar..all that. Great but it still comes down to the fact he expects me and the kids to accommodate HIS schedule. Not happening.

We (me and one of my sons) and made a schedule for next week and our spring break activities. I made it clear to RAH that he was welcome to join us but this is what we decided and our lives will no longer be on hold while he’s out doing his own thing. That isn’t good for anyone.

Of course….talk is just talk…I doubt anything can or will change, at least on his end that is.