Thanks BB. You are totally right that ONLY HE can deal with his drinking, recovery, etc. We have talked since I originally posted, and he has increased the frequency of his MD/counsellor visits, and is working towards getting on Antabuse. So, that gives me some hope that he is seeing he needs more help and is getting it, and is more serious about recovery than he has been in the past. (Of course, I take all of his attempts at recovery with a huge rock of salt!)
I thank you also for your point about detaching versus no contact: that is a really helpful distinction, and I can see how each is helpful, depending on the situation. I guess that time apart has let me detach, rather than be "NC." My brain is completely detached and sees very little hope for the relationship, while my heart is still so in love with this man who is the love of my life. I guess the great thing about being detached is that, even though heart and brain are on totally different pages, I do feel much more grounded in each, and it feels like the heart is letting the brain speak more, and keeping my heart safe, for now.
I guess the hard thing is that I COMPLETELY agree that alcoholics, in general, don't have the capacity to give in the way that non-As do. And, as you said, there is a lot of frustration around potential vs. reality. BUT, my BF has been
unbelievably good and supportive and "there" for me, even despite his drinking. Since we have been together, I have learned to value my SELF (HUGE!!!), my body, and UN-learned a lot of messed up things from my childhood (physical, verbal, sexual abuse). Plus, made a great job change and gotten in to the top program in my field. Yes, because I did it for myself, but I honestly don't think I could have done it without him. He really is an amazing and beautiful man. And really is the love of my life, we are like peas in a pod. He's my best friend, and the best friend that I've ever had. And I have been blessed to have some pretty great friends. And so happy to be connecting with so many others here on SR
