Wow...thanks for all of the replies. It is helpful. We have a large amount of equity in our home and I put my retirement into our home when we did a major renovation (and I hope to get some of that back if that is reasonable in the eyes of the court); I put my husband through college when we were first married, and I hope to get some of his support when I finish one more year of college (I was recently offered a part-time job that will allow me to complete my college), I do not support myself fully at this point as I had been a full-time student in order to be able to support myself. I have a 15 and 16 year old at home and as long as my spouse is an AH I plan to have full-custody unless we can come to some other agreement (e.g. random alcohol test or similar). Those are my ideas. I would love to work out at least a portion of this with him but I have no way of knowing that he will cooperate at this point (his moods are all over the place at the mention of my leaving). It seems reasonable to say the larger his denial is the more irrational he acts. He is highly intelligent and highly functional. He has admitted to a problem but mostly acts like there is no problem (and I highly doubt he will admit to a problem in court).
It seems this is a bit complicated...my plan is to be patient and take it one day at a time. I have journaled for years now (off and on). I have photos and a few voice recordings.