Originally Posted by
GettingBy 
Truth is - my kids act out to me because they know I'm safe. They know I love unconditionally and that at times I get upset, but I never ever stop loving them and encouraging them to grow and mature.
Seeing the effect on them is motivation enough to stop the crazy train..
That is the truth. DS acts out with me because he knows I'm safe. He is CERTAIN of my unconditional love. He knows his daddy loves him, but it doesn't feel safe, that love has strings, weight, a little fear, a lot of uncertainty.
DS was 3 when we left. He has always been joyful, smiley, sweet. It's taken 3 years for him to gain a sense of consistency, of safety. Now he is also goofy, silly, spontaneous, a leader and great friend among his classmates. Had we stayed, those traits would never have had a chance to surface. 3 years. But it's happening. Just like I heal and grow the longer we have a safe home, he heals and grows too.
The guilt of spending the first 3 years of his life trapped in purgatory with me is not mine to carry. I have to remind myself this every day. I did the best that I could do at the time. I took steps to get us safe. I'm taking steps to help us both grow and heal. Perhaps it would have taken him less time to heal and grow if I had been able to get him in to see a counselor earlier. But that guilt doesn't belong to me either, since I needed XAH's permission.
We all do the best that we can at the time. You're doing alright. You're a wonderful mom. Your kids will grow, they'll heal, they know you love them.
Hang in there. Hugs to all.