I'm an alcoholic, and this is one of my favorite subjects. IMHO too many people are wimps about this part of the program (which actually starts with step 4). A few random thoughts on this:
* Protecting yourself via the "except when to do so would hurt them or others" is complete ********.
I like your thinking bc I have heard this as an excuse from AH and his FAMILY as justification for continued lying about his actions. Clearly not what step 4 is really about but he sure wants to believe what he wants to believe...
We A's do not deserve that protection, the steps are there so we can deal with the consequences of our drinking. Anyone who disagrees should read the 12x12 on the 9th step, as well as some of Bill W's and Dr Bob's writings on the 9th step.
* An apology is not an amends. An amends almost always includes an apology but rarely is an apology enough.
This is just my personal thoughts as an alcoholics wife. IF an apology were sincere AND it meant (in the way I mean it when I apologize) that I will actively work to NOT do the same thing again, then really and truly the apology WOULD be enough... I can let the past be the past if my H could just choose to do things different in the future. But he seems to feel that saying "sorry" means that issue is wrapped up and done and he has a clean slate to screw up again, say sorry, have no guilt and on and on it goes... Words when they are shown to be true via action really can be enough (for me at least!)
Did you steal money to support your habit? Pay it back.
Did you bad-mouth someone to others when they were not around? Call each of these people up, tell them you were a drunken lying fool and none of it was true - preferably in the presence of the person you bad mouthed.
I think that this has been THE single most hurtful thing my AH has done to me. He feels bad, on the phone or email he goes and slam the wife game begins. His family hates me, his friends hate me and when he sobers up or gets past the ****** mood he's in that gets him making these calls there are never calls about how forgiving and caring I am... I hate it. I'd die on the spot if he ever were to do what you bolded above... Boy, that would be something. Do people REALLY ever do that in recovery?
* You cannot make amends for everything. If you were not around when your kids were growing up, for example, those years are gone and there is nothing you can do to make up for that
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True, but can't you use the present to try and make up for it or acknowledge the hurt it caused your kids? My AH says this: "it's done and in the past so let it go". But his kids who he's let down remember the events, the day trips, the promises he's broken and he's never addressed that hurt. He can't go back in time and make a different choice but he can acknowledge their hurt and I bet that would go a long way toward helping them move fwd too... Is that talked about as part of step 9 at all? I'm really just curious-- want to understand more...