And this time its differant because the social worker who came out with our "family care plan" stated that I did not acknowledge the affects that my husbands alcoholism is having on our children.
This jumped out at me bc it is this very fear of having this happen in my home, with child services that got me to pack a few things and leave about a week ago and I've never felt that a decision was more right or more important that that one.
I sat and thought hard about those words, and I realize that she was right and wrong! I fully acknowledge the affects that my AH has on my children, BUT I never knew how to stop this cycle, how to heal myself from years of the mental abuse that I have endured.
I didn't realize (so I was a step behind you I guess) the effect this was having on my kids until I started being forced to think about that. When I really started facing that fact, I stopped thinking about how I'd make it work if I left, or a plan to leave etc... and instead I just left.
You can not stop the cycle. You can stop your involvement in it and stop your kids being subjected to it. Don't wait to leave until you are stronger or healed from the mental abuse bc you will never leave. I had the same thoughts. I need to feel stronger, I need to get my head together etc... I promise you that leaving has given me more clarity and strength and peace than I could have imagined. And most of that is bc I am not seeing him day to day and worrying about him or telling myself that when he's sober he's great (I read you wrote that and I have said the same things- except honestly, he's really NOT great when he's sober-- he's just not awful and that's become my new barometer of greatness-- sick!)
He is a great guy (when SOBER) he has grown into a very attentive giving father (when SOBER) and a loving Husband (when SOBER). But thats the problem he is hardly EVER SOBER.
You deserve more, your kids deserve much more. Living for the sober moments is not living. It is surviving. At least that's what I felt like for the past few years and I am tired of surviving.
Call that social worker and have her help you get out- today if you want. Your kids need a safe home. Just like mine. My home wasn't safe and my H wasn't drinking daily or even a ton. Even sober an active alcoholic isn't a healthy person for anyone to be around.
Think about how hard this is for you and how bad you feel and then think about your kids and how they know a lot less about this disease than you and have fewer people to talk to about it than you and imagine their turmoil. When I started thinking about that it was easy to make the decision to leave.