DestinyM

Days like this I wonder why I even am still married to my AH. In this one day I've been blamed for his relapse, the disrespect my kids have for him, his current living arrangements, ALL his pain & his suffering. I've been called dumb, stupid, hung up on TWICE, told I don't deserve to wear the wedding rings HE brought and that I destroyed his life AGAIN. He cried in the street (literally...tears!!) about how much he loves me and how he went to detox so he could take care of his wife and be a good husband only for me to "cross" him with my 18yo daughter because she finally after 8 years told him how she felt about him and my having to pay all the bills and handle everything while all he did was drink. I according to him was supposed to defend him and tell her to mind her business. He then confessed to what I already knew...he was drinking again - like his breath, eyes and behavior, didn't tell me that over a month ago. He also said my priorities were wrong because he's my husband and he's supposed to be first above everything - my job, my kids, pretty much even me. That I'm all he has in the world because he can't work because of what the disease has done to his body at 37, he doesn't deal with his kids because they think their grown and his family is riddled with addiction which he also can't deal with. Oh yeah, and I'm a perfect wife. Talk about a mind scramble!!

Please understand we've been apart 4 weeks tomorrow (because of the daughter incident, which lead to him turning over TV's, throwing my clothes all over our room and out windows; because I took the shirt he was wearing that day off the bedroom floor and threw them at the front door telling him to leave because it was 3AM and he had jumped on me trying to strangle me in a rage. When I refused to pick the shirts up, he decided to destroy my clothes.) He said it all started back in January when I made him mad by deciding to by an internet tablet when we discussed catching up on bills first. So he decided to make me mad by taking a drink so its my fault he relapsed. And if my daughter & I hadn't "disrespected" him he would still be happy living at home sober with his wife. As if...

We only started talking Sunday and spent the last two days together. I had to work this afternoon and by the time I got off and to him he was really, really intoxicated. I did really good at first, not feeding in to anything he said, just trying to get home, but I knew things were going to take a terrible turn when I wouldn't agree to spend the night with him at my BIL house.

I know this is not my fault. I acknowledge that I should have discussed the tablet purchase with him, but that does not justify his relapse or his behavior that lead to his being removed from our home. I have been trying to establish a boundary of no talking when he's under the influence, which i did do the first night we talked on the phone and I picked up his slurring speech but somehow tonight I did get sucked into the hysteria and found myself in the street screaming and yelling over him on the phone to the point of tears. By the time I got off the phone he still cocky and wanting to know what time I was going to be at the house in the morning.

I've only been to 8 F2F meetings and I read as much CAL literature as I can each day. I called one of the ladies I met at a F2F while i walked in the rain and she talked to me for a while and I felt better but that's when he called and the hysteria ensued.

I know I'm writing a lot but I feel so overwhelmed, I can't even think straight. Honestly, I hate how much I love him and wish I could just walk away but the truth is I love him very much. It hurts so much to see him in this state especially when he was so clean and sober coming into the new year. He's so different when he's not drinking, he's kind and considerate and makes me feel like a Queen. Something I never had in any relationship before. I actually have never been in a relationship this long, none have lasted over a two years and I'm 42. He makes me feel so protected and safe which I also never had even in childhood. I've been trying to explain to him (when he's sober) about my recovery efforts and learning about the disease so I can heal and not hurt myself anymore or hurt him by "contributing" to the disease, but I can't help but feel tonight like I took a giant step backward by even talking to him again but I missed him so much and I was really worried.

I thank you guys for letting me share and I know this is a lot, but like I said I've only been working the program for 4 weeks and I don't have a sponsor and I don't want the insanity to continue so any words of ES&H would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Destiny