Thank you all so much for all the support.I think I just really wanted to know I wasn't the only one to think these kind of thoughts.I felt like a monster thinking them.
Today I'm better even tho last night he was quacking and I was detaching and he told me he would "cut my throat while I slept" I didn't sleep all that well.I contacted a lawyer today.I am going to Philadelphia to see one about a 4 hour trip but the lawyer specializes in gay issues.
I think one of the things that hurts me so much is being in a same sex relationship was we have no legal rights and my line of thinking was if anything ever happened to me,he would be taken care off.That thought has sailed,needless to say and I am ready to just get rid of him.
It's hard to think sommething we did out of love and concern comes back to bite you in the arse. It's also very hard for me in my mind to see past the chaos.
I also think I was in a fog thinking I was different (being gay) and the outcome of addiction was going to be different for me.I have come to realize that with addiction no one is really different.I still struggle with owning whats mine,but have given myself time............ Today.
Again thanks to all