Your post was almost poetic if not for sad.
I am sorry you are where you are.
You have choices. Even if you don't like them.
Alanon is your first step. You will be truly amazed after a few visits. It will feel like "home"-- a place to be at peace and know you are not alone.
Give it a try... you will clear your mind to a place where you can see clearly and know what you want to do from there.
It takes time. No doubt. But you can take time to get clear or you can take time to stay as frozen as you are.
The choice is ultimately ......Yours.......
