Thanks to all. I guess I should have stated that we have been married for 21 years (so I too am in deep). We have 3 kids ranging in age from 7-17. If you looked around and didn't know what was going on behind closed doors you might think I have a perfect life. I have been lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my kids, but I did have a career once and do hold a college degree. I feel like I could be at a fork in the road and I want to try to make the best decisions I can. That is why I am looking at the future, not simply taking one day at a time (which I am doing that too). I could seek out employment and totally disrupt my kids lives. I could start getting my life in order to get out of this marriage. Right now the stress of doing all of that seems greater than the stress of staying in the marriage. So I am learning how to cope, trying to get me healthy (I started Alanon and also have been going to counseling) and find peace and happiness. However when I read what others are going through on this site it really makes me wonder if I am making the best decision. Part of me wants to bolt and say screw this! BUT I know I have more than just me to think about. Getting me out of this does not get my kids out of it. They will always have an A for a father. Me leaving him will only create chaos in their lives.
I also know that I don't have to determine anything at this point. In fact I know I will not. I will continue to seek clarity, educate myself, get healthy and perhaps sometime shortly I will understand what is best.
Would love to have more of all of your insight, especially those who have had an A in their lives much like mine.
and I love him, I just hate what he is doing to himself and to our family.