In both situations, I let the alcoholic know that I loved them and cared what happened to them. I stressed that I needed to step away for my own well-being.
I still care for (heck, I would say love because he is a lovable person) my second husband. But when he would call me, which he did once a year or so up until about four years ago, I would politely cut the conversation short, each time telling him to take care of himself. My staying or leaving had no effect whatsoever on his readiness to quit.
I know it's tough, and you are doing the best you can. That's all any of us can do.