Thread: My Inner Demons
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Old 03-08-2011, 05:58 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
theuncertainty
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Hey, Selman. 1st: You are not an idiot. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.) Next: You're not crazy and you're not alone.

XAH lied to me about having cancer after I left him. When he told me, I believed him. When he started pulling more manipulative cr-p, I really wished he would just hurry up and die so none of us would have to put up with him any more: his lies, his drinking, his blaming, his abuse, his nasty attitude, his venom.

Turns out he didn't have cancer and I still wished he would die, because who the f- lies about having terminal cancer?! He now (for the time being) has a job up on the slope and I've caught myself singing a little song in my mind "May he find warmth in the belly of a Great Polar Bear..." la, la, la, la, la, as I filled out the old taxes that he didn't turn in and just told me about, as I try to figure out how to pay for DS's daycare this summer....

So here are my thoughts about my anger at XAH: OK. I'm spending far too much time focusing on him, but my feelings are my feelings. I have every right to be angry about the way he has treated and continues to treat me and DS; I have every right to be angry about the years of abuse and darkness I lived through at his side; I have every right to feel conflicted about having loved a man who could hurt me emotionally and intimately the way he did. I have every right to be hurt and wish for the Universe, or HP, or Karma, to rain a pestilence down on him. I have every right to feel a little joy when HP shows me by way of insurance EOB that XAH was 'blessed' with a painful condition in his private area a year after lying about having cancer there. I know that I will never act on my anger at him to try to bring about retribution because 1. I don't want to be like him and 2. that is just not who I am.

But I have every right to feel my feelings and try to work through them.

Yep. So I acknowledge I have a right to feel this way. I acknowledge that I need to find a way to move past it in order to live a full life. Some day I may get there. But today, I need it to start to heal.

Wishing you strength and peace.
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