ready for my book?
I am glad that you are starting counselling, that is a good idea.
you know, if you and your sister went to alanon or alateen, you dont really have to say anything. you can listen. you would get a support system that you could use.
I understand how the anger makes you want to hit something. That is better than hitting someone or hurting yourself. I can only imagine how angry you must be. This is a totally unfair situation that you are in. A parent is supposed to protect, but you are being the parent. I understand you wanting to protect her. even though you feel like you hate what she is, you still love her. and she is not doing anything to earn that love right now. she is doing things that push everyone to their limit.
I am so sorry that you are having to live this way. I think that perhaps in your counselling, you might get some help with your mom. someone should be able to maybe even get her put somewhere for a while, to get treatment, even if she does not want to go, if she is a danger to you or herself, you can get her hospitalized , for a while. maybe it would let a little light into her mind, even for a little while.maybe some sober time with counselling could get through to her. even just a bit, and it would give you some peace of mind for a while. but you probably want some professional advice about that.
I remember when my mom was drinking her worst, and we were so angry at her. I had two younger sisters, and a younger brother. my brother was born when i was 16, and he took the brunt of it all. he was from her second marriage, and she got custody when they divorced . she began drinking so heavily, and she made my brother very miserable and it was unsafe for him. we had all married and left home, but he was still there. we begged his dad, our x step dad ,. to take custody of him. and he did. my mom kept drinking till she lost a kidney, and then she stopped, but it may have been because she lost everything. we did not go see her, she lost custody of my little brother, and she had no one. so she quit. the doctors told her that she would die if she drank again, and she never did. i cant even believe it, for she could have kept right on.
one time when she was really drinking heavily, we poured her vodka half out and filled it with water. boy she was so mad! she came at my sister, who was about 12, and started to smack her, and my little sister punched my mom in the chest! my mom was so surprised that she did not do anything more. my little sister was and still is one of the most gentle people in the world. being abused over and over can cause the worst anger. it is so unfair.
your mom is the one choosing to destroy her life, and you should not have to live so misreably. perhaps if you and your sister were not there to save her, she would wake up a bit. it would surely be better for you. she will either want to live or not, and nothing you can do can change her mind.
i know how much it hurts, to wonder why your mom does not love you enough to stop drinking. i wondered that for years, and till recently, did not fully understand that she could not do it, until she felt enough pain- emotionally and physically, and spiritually. maybe the best thing you can do for your mom, is to let go, and let her suffer the consequences of her choices. i know that would be scary. i know how it is to feel llike you have to protect her. i used to worry about my mom and call her to see if she was falling asleep with her lighted cigarette. I used to try to do things that would make her not so evil, when she was drinking. she used to beg me to go and get her booze and I would do it, out of pity!!! how awful when a parent is so miserable and we feel like we might be able to help, but nothing we can do ever helps. not at all.
i am glad that your mom is not in your home. Do you think that you could just try to have a little less interaction with her, a bit at a time? just wean yourself and her? is your sister with you, or your mom?
you can pm me , i am usually here each day. i think it helps a lot, to be able to voice your feelings, and it is safer with someone else than with your mom.
i think you are a strong young woman, you have had to be. and it is time that you got some rest and peace of mind. stick around here, and you will find a lot of help.
And Barbs idea of getting your sister to come here and just read, it a great one. there is help, please believe that. You will not always be in this situation. but you do need to take care of you. You and your sister do not deserve this. and your anger and your reactions and the things you are not proud of, they are all understandable and you are not the only one who has those feelings or experiences. That is how people react when they are affected by an alcoholic. and you do have to deal with your anger. unexpressed anger can make you feel crazy.
sending a hug, a big one,
chicory