Thanks for the kind words and advice. It really means so much to hear other peoples stories and who can relate.
My anger from years ago was how i dealt with things. Im not trying to sound stupid but when i smash, kick, and punch things it gives me some sort of release. I know it is no way to deal with issues but when the anger kicks off there's no stoping me. I have tried different techniques to try and calm myself. Some have been good but a lot of the time the out-burst happens so quick i dont get a change to think of the consequence. Now just to be clear, i would never hit anyone else, it would always be me being injured.
My mother when shes drinking is very abusive. Sometimes she is violent towards us and i have done things in the past to her that i am not one bit proud off. Thinking of some of those things now, it makes me kinda sad. But she pushes and pushes me until there is no return. Now that i have matured and i would never do anything to her...thats why i end up getting injured. I have done worse things to myself but i really dont want to go into that...maybe a different time.
When she was living in the house she was a complete nightmare. I would of had to call the gaurds (police) on her. i would fear that one of us would be seriously injured or end up dead. Now she is not living here there is some sort of calm. But she still can push the buttons and she knows how to do so very well.
My sister...she has developed a MH condition and she is at the age where she is unsure about getting professional help. Alateen or alanon meetings, i dont think she would attend to be honest. She is to self-concious and shy. If i wanted her to recieve any help at the moment it would be counselling/therapy for her MH condition. I try to set a good example for her and try to explain, that it will not be what she expects. She goes to her guidence counsellor in school...but i dont think she tells all, which is a pity for her sake. Her guidence counsellor has also tried refering her onto a different place but my sister refuses point blank to go. She doesnt find it easy to take about her problems and becuse of that she becomes defensive. I do believe one day she will understand that she needs professional help and she will get it...but when that day is, i dont know.
I myself have several MH conditions and have been through a lot of therapy. It has been some help but i cant over-come my main difficulties - which stresses me out even more. Along with the MH conditions, i obsess about suicide. I tried OD twice before when i younger but i dont think i could go through with it as im older now. But because of that obsessional thought, she may one time push me to the limit and im afraid ill do something stupid. I really dont like saying that as i feel ashamed because i disagree with suicide, but its my mind and sometimes it takes over and scares me.
I have just started addiction counselling today so hopefully from that i will gain skills to help me deal with my personal and family problems. See i have tried helping myself with professional help but i would never stick to things, as i found it difficult not care or get involved. I do try to deal with things so it wont effect me...but the thing is it does effect me. If i bottle it up...the anger will build and build until i blow up.
My mum is very poorly as well. She is always sick and she doesnt look after her health. She doesnt eat well and she is on so many tablets that im afraid, if shes depressed and drinking she will OD. I do worry about her so much. My next door neighbour passed away this morning and it made me think that if i wasnt there for her and she killed herself or walked out in front of a car, i would feel so guilty as maybe i could have prevented it.
My relatives dont understand the extent of her drinking and abusiveness, which is sad because when we tell them stories they dont fully understand. Plus my mum can deny and cover up very well. So my relatives arnt much help and they dont live near. My mum has no friends as she lost them all, so there is nobody to look out for her at all.....
I understand the importance in looking after myself...sure if you knew me you would know im a burnout wreck. As i said before, to stop caring and getting involved, will be highly difficult for me because its all i have ever done. But hopefully with the addiction counsellor she can teach me ways to deal with my life situations better. I am hopeful that one day things will settle, but to be honest my MH conditions worry me too...if i cant get over them.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you didnt give up half way through!!!