I hate to love "her"
At the moment i am really trying to keep my stress levels down. I recently think i had a nervous breakdown and i was in a dark place. As of now im feeling okay but i cant deal with my mum.
She has sooooo many problems and who does she come crying to - me. I cant sort out her problems and nor should i have to. My anger has always been an issue for me. I can go from 0 to bi*ch in seconds. I dont want to get angry but she makes me so angry and guilty.
I have injured myself on many occasions because of her. She and my dad has recently seperated and she doesnt live with me anymore - thank god - but she still has her ways of getting to me. She has mentally damaged me for the rest of my life and dont know how much more i can handle. She has a million and one issues and she brings me into them.
I do my best for her, but i cant do anything more. Just there a few mins ago she has made me smash my phone of the wall and throw everything around my room (which i had just cleaned). Its not that she was giving me abuse or anything, she is so fustrating. I have tryed to deal with her in a way that will help myself but the littlest of things can set me off.
The phone call earlier was about her car, she wants to sell it (as she is banned from driving). What the f**k can i physically do about it. I dont know how to do anything about it...who does she think i am...someone who she can call on to listen to her problems.
As much as i love my mum and she loves me, are relationship is not the same. I dont even want to go and visit her anymore as its not worth sitting there and listening to the same sh*t over and over and over again. Talking to her is like talking to a fish. You give her your advice and she asks to same question within the next 5 mins.....thats if your lucky enough to catch her when she not drinking. Im not even going to go into if she was drinking as ill only be writing for the rest of the night!
I cant cut her out of my life, as she is a danger to herself. She is also depressed and i dont know what she is capable of doing. Because she lives on her own and she is lonely i feel sorry for her but all i can do is listen to her and give her my opionion and advice.....but yet its never enough.
She is my mum and she always will be wether i like it or not. But im her daughter but the roles feel reversed. Im looking out for her and i cant take much more. I understand it good to talk about problems - but her problems are too much for me. Im afraid shes going to damage me more than i already am. And i know that my little sis is having to deal with the same sh*t i am...but my sis is 4 years younger than me and is not as strong as me. I am not that strong (i give the impression i am, but on the inside i am weak and vunurable), so with my sister i cant bare to think my mum is ruining her life too. She knows my sister will visit her, even if shes drinking, abusive, dangerous (to herself and others) etc. and my mum plays on this.
I love my little sister to bits and i try to mother her as her "real" mother is not fulfilling that role. I have a huge burden to carry......i am the mother in the household. I have to attend to the cooking, cleaning etc. and the mental state i am in i cant handle much more of this. My childhood was taken away and now the 20's are having to pick up the pieces my mother left us.
I did not sign up for this. I have my own problems and cant afford to be taking on my mums too. I really do try be there for her, i am there for her and she knows this. Im just really really really angry and have to vent.
Sorry this i quite long. Im not even bothered if anyone reads this i just need to let steam off as im still quite angry (and dont want to break anymore fingers, toes, wrists and anckles over her). FML