I had my recovering AH here w me and our son for four months. He was not active in recovery, which just left him physically sober, dry drunk. Many feel dry drunk is worse than active drinking.
It is definitely a little more crazy making.
I kno the doubt. I had to get him out of here for my sons sake, for my sanity.
Please google "dry drunk Minnesota recovery" and read it.
First; your AH is not sober. He is drinking occasionally. That's active.
Second; being in relative sober states and still acting the same ways means dry drink, but that will not change either until he hits an uncomfortable place.
You are making it easy for him to keep playing you, see his kids, delude himself that he is there for you and yr kids. He simply isn't.
When you stop trying to convince him, move out or make him, the part of him that knows he is a mess, the one who has to trick and manipulate you, he knows so well that he is a mess, will just "get" the message.
You trying to explain, justify, etc, just literally puts off him feeling the direct reality of consequence for how he treats you.
And once you make a stand, expect the promises and small moves toward change to increase, but he will need you to stay truly staid and detached to really get it. Then he will be alone, and all the games and justifications will fall at his feet.
Then he may scramble to find family or other people who reflect to him his rightness. It's really his work, his path.
I suggest you get to alanon.
When you really know you dong want to be played like a guitar anymore, when the self loathing of your own denial and delusion finally hit you, you can tell him that YOU are unwilling to live like this, regardless of what he says or does. YOU are making a choice.
Then make it.
When I stopped giving ultimatums and realized he would trick me into the grave if I let him because he is an addict and that's what addicts do, I just asked if I wanted to live like that. The answer was no.
MY choice. MY recovery. MY action to protect my kid.
His is his. Hands off.
It ain't easy, but man... Your post sounds like years of my life.
My RAH is now living in an apartment without us to blame anything on.
He started going to at least a meeting a week for support, and that isn't much, but it's a meeting a week more than he did in his cushy position at my house.
And if he mucks up, he mucks up. No more Blane on me.
And if he does 6 months or a year and changes for real, stops scapegoating me and his job and the desk lamp, great, maybe we can go on a date.