I 100% understand! I totally do. I am exactly like this.
I am so self confident and aware in other areas of my life and then I get into a relationship and I am doubting and confused and guilty!
I had to trust the voices on this board because I didn't trust myself and I didn't trust my AH. Some of my friends felt nervous about me listening to a bunch of strangers tell me what to do with my life and AH. I get that. When I first got here, I would read and ask myself, "is this advice, on the whole, life affirming, encouraging, gentle?" I find the answer is absolutely yes (on the whole). So I handed over some of my control and tried to listen. What is key, to me, and has me listen to the advice here, is that people are encouraging me to listen to my own heart. People are encouraging me to trust myself. To honor myself. To take care of myself. That feels right.
So, how do we know how to do that when we don't know how to do that? I have asked myself this, too.
When you are learning to cook, your teacher asks you to notice such subtle differences in taste. When you are learning to paint, your teacher asks you to notice such subtle differences in color. When you are learning yoga, your teacher asks you to notices such subtle differences in alignment. When you are learning to listen and care for yourself you are asked to notice subtle differences in how you feel.
In truth, these differences are not subtle at all to others. When you start a post "REALLY bad weekend" we are looking in on your life and seeing the red flags and alarm bells of a person that is not happy and needs to change to take care of themselves. But INSIDE that life, your life, you don't have the discernment at this time to see your own sadness and hurt, or perhaps to understand or FEEL that that MEANS a change is required. There is a disconnect there. It feels subtle to you.
That's okay. That's where we begin as learners.
At the start of this, I couldn't connect my pain with the fact I needed to change, and still, to some degree, don't. The connection was too subtle, too fuzzy.
* What I could see was I was searching on a forum like this and reaching out for help. There was a sign that I needed help.
* I couldn't read my own words and understand I needed help. I COULD read other people's posts (with stories like mine) and see THEY needed help. That helped me understand myself
* I could see relationships in my past where, after I left, I was relieved I had done so, and wondered what took me so long. It took me time to connect then and now.
* I could feel what I felt which was, and is, confusion, frustration, wishful/magical thinking, worry, obsessing, upset, sadness, and anger. It took time to realize that MEANT something.
* I learned, through this board, that those feelings WERE my sign. They were yelling at me to pay attention and do something, when all I heard in the "do something" part of me were whispers.
My intellectual understanding of what I need to do next to care for myself is taking over right now. Divorcing my husband still doesn't feel good or feel like it makes "sense", but I understand it is self-caring and I trust it will feel like it makes more sense later. The reason I trust in that is that
MY life had become unmanageable and there are plenty of wise folks on this board that are growing a life of managability and joy. So I realize
I must have a skewed understanding of "what makes sense" and I am listening and learning about what another understanding of "sense" might be. This new understanding has different behaviors attached than the ones I was doing. Doing those new behaviors feels foreign and awkward. I trust it feels that way because it is new and not because I am doing something "wrong" or "bad" or "cruel" or "judgemental" or "selfish". I trust that because of the joy and hope I can see from the other side.
I am afraid that I am making more of his behavior than it is and that maybe he's right and it really IS me (as he says). I don't feel convinced, deep down inside me that his behaviors are really the problem... I feel like all the things he tells me about my making mountains out of molehills, and not being patient enough etc... might be true.
I don't know what is right, what is wrong, what is up, what is down. My sense of being able to trust my own sense of what is and isn't okay is really, really messed up....
No matter how many places on these boards that I read about A behavior, I have this voice in me (that I hate) telling me that my H is different and that in his case it really is me causing the problems.
I have old posts with lists like this!
Self doubt and confusion, and feeling unsure. And yet,
you know. Your posts talk about how you are mistreated. Your posts talk about how unreasonable and manipulative your AH is. So you
DO see that (in some part of you). AND, there is another part of you that doubts and is unsure and confused. I had to tell myself:
WHEN YOU FEEL DOUBTFUL AND CONFUSED LIKE THIS, YOU ARE BEING MISTREATED.
We don't want to see that. We don't want to hurt others. We don't want to be in a relationship like this. So we skew it and lose our ability to see it and feel confused, instead! We feel confused rather than what non-codies would do, which is feel this kind of pain and LEAVE. No thanks. Yuck. That's rediculous. And crap. And not worth my time. It is a short life. I am not going to waste it getting yanked around and lied to.
The confusion and self doubt IS our key, wanttobehealthy. All you have to do is listen and respect yourself.
You matter.
And you can do this.
You can grow and learn to listen to you and take action and find peace.
All my love,
findingpeace