I can't take the lying, the broken promises, the blaming, the projecting and when I try to detach he pulls out all the stops to get me to engage. And when I am nice he takes advantage of me. He loves me one minute and hates me the next. It is HELL living like this and at the end of the day it will be me who has to leave when I reach a "I can't take it anymore" point.
You sound like me inasmuchas there is a part of you that is soaking up the learning here and another part of you (probably a scared little girl that doesn't want to abandon or be abandoned) that has her hands over her ears and is screaming, "LALAALALLA!" so she doesn't have to listen.
My work has been to integrate the knowledge I am learning with my actions.
I KNOW I'm not happy. I know it isn't working. I know I don't trust him.
Am I honoring that? Am I listening to me? What am I worth? You have said life is he!!. Is that enough reason to protect yourself? If not, what is? How bad does it need to get?
You have said, "I can't take it" and yet you take it. Why? If you can't take it, why not listen to yourself and stop taking it?
Your kids are not in a Norman Rockwell painting life. They are in an alcoholic dad that is full of it life.
I believe you CAN listen to you. I believe you CAN take care of you and your kids, whatever way that looks.
Hugs, peace