He thinks it's perfectly fine to leave the kids at 2pm (yes w/ my college aged son..who IS responsible and capable) and go run errands, hang w/ his friends, hit a meeting, stop for dinner and then another mtg and then coffee after etc... he literally got home at 12:15 am.
I too did this, to a degree, during the first year or so of my recovery, BUT 1) I had not husband or children at home at the time, and 2) it would be after work until 2 or 3 am and all weekend long. WHY? Because to be perfectly honest with you, it was the only time I felt SAFE from booze, being with my 'sober' friends that I was acquiring from meetings. Not an excuse, just showing how 'fragile' my early recovery was.
It seems that even when they do get into recovery things don't change. They stop drinking but are still missing alot and not really emotionally there.
Your are absolutely correct!!!!! When an A (myself included) gets sober they are at whatever age emotionally and mentally, when they first started drinking.
As an example I found recovery 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, however, I was emotionally and mentally at the age of somewhere between 12 and 14, and it took years (at least 3 to 5) to start to feel like I was actually acting, responding, being responsible like an adult.
Even though I personally have been through this, have worked with sponsees in recovery seeing their experiences also, I still have forgotten it and had codie expectations that when an A in my life got sober and clean it would be life as usual, NOT.
It is extremely difficult after having lived years with a practicing A, to continue to have patience and tolerance and detach when the A finally finds recovery.
I have seen some couples make it, with lots of very hard work on both their parts, each working their own program, going to some 'couples' meetings (AA and Alanon), eventually going to some roundups and conventions (that encompass both AA and Alanon) together and slowly getting back to a normal life.
I have seen just as many, if not more decide to 'part ways'. Not that they didn't 'try' just that the stress during the yuears of practicing could not be overcome.
Each of us with an A in our lives has to decide when 'enough is enough' whether it be while the A is still practicing or after the A finds recovery.
It can be so hard for me (my codie side) to stay in reality when the dream was/is that once he/she is sober everything will be great.
J M H O
Love and hugs,