What has helped me get through the abuse, the separation, the threats that came after, the custody and divorce proceedings was coming to the realization that everything happens for a reason. Yes, there is great suffering to be had living with an abusive A, but for me, it culminated in an eye-opening moment that I didn't HAVE to be involved in toxic relationships anymore. Until my relationship and marriage with my XAH, almost all my relationships, romantic or otherwise, were unhealthy in some way.
Once I realized that there was an element of *choice* in my pattern of behaviour, I started to see how I could start my life over. It was lonely, and sometimes painful, but again, SR held me up and made me realize that no one ever died from being uncomfortable. The pain does pass and the clouds do part.
So, yes, I agree with you wanttobehealthy...you learned something from your AH's latest relapse. You learned not to trust words but to look at actions instead. And somehow, your journey lead you here, which I see as yet another awesome step in the right direction.