Originally Posted by
wanttobehealthy 
Tonight I am full of resentment and hurt. I hate my mother for destroying my spirit from birth onward (literally on the day I was born she wrote a letter to me which she gave me years later telling me she regretted having me and that I'd already stolen my father away from her simply by being born). I hate that I never had a chance growing up and that no one stepped in to help (bc of fear of my mother's wrath on them- grown adults who knew she was abusing me turned a blind eye). And then when I left home and gained some self esteem over many years, I wound up falling in love with someone who IS my mother but in a younger, male form.
I would like to twist this a little bit, and take a different perspective. Let's replace the word "hate" with "I'm very angry that."
Now, let's look at anger, in this context. I'd like to point out that anger is a GOOD THING. Not that we want to live life angry, or let it fester. But
the presence of anger indicates the mounting of a self-defense against something that is damaging you. The fact that your inner self is mounting a defense, and it's coming out as anger is GOOD. This indicates that inside your psyche, you believe you are valuable enough to merit defense. Imagine if you took abuse, and never mounted an anger response, because your self-worth was so low your inner self didn't believe you were worth defending... see what I mean? So the ability to get angry at things that damage you is A GOOD THING.
Originally Posted by
wanttobehealthy I guess maybe I deserve these circumstances since I was stupid enough to leave the frying pan (my mother) and jump right into the fire (husband). Thinking I would ever be happy, find someone normal and that I deserved any of that was just plain foolish of me...
Here I would like to gently point out that you were a defenseless child, brought into a damaging and dysfunctional dynamic.
It is not your fault that you sustained damage from this. It is a very good thing that now, as an adult, you are beginning to see this damage for what it is, what it created in you, what it has done to your perspectives and life choices. Now, as an adult, you are doing a terrific thing - reaching out to change. You are here, on a board, looking for information, support, perspectives. This is a wonderful step, utilizing your now adult abilities, to start to look at your life and make changes, both for yourself, and for your children.
You deserve a lot of credit for these positive things... keep going, change is a long road and very difficult, but you ARE moving in that direction, and are doing things to get you unstuck!
Sending encouragement!
CLMI