ooh boy, I had no idea you came from a family of abusers as well. That considered, I understand why you've stayed in this pattern for so long. You were brought up in it. It's so hard to break a known pattern, even if that pattern is horribly toxic.
Please don't berate yourself for staying, for whatever reason. First, there's no point in beating yourself up emotionally. Your husband already does that. Second, this is a *journey*, an awakening, so to speak. You are beginning it by educating yourself here, getting support through counselling, and you are starting to consider your options. That's HUGE. A lot of people would rather stick their heads in the sand and pretend that all is well. And third, you'll leave when you're ready and when you've hit YOUR bottom. I just hope that in your process you continue to consider the impact of your family life of your little girls.
As for the mention of "what other people will say", I fully understand the desire to avoid being the Bad Guy. It's what kept me in my marriage with my XAH for a long while. Even before we were married, I realized that there was something dreadfully wrong with him, but I wanted to save face. I didn't want all those people who said we'd fail as a couple to be right. I wanted to be "the good wife" who "stood by her man" no matter what. Eventually, I realized that there's no prize for who suffers the most.
I had a rude awakening when a trusted teacher of mine passed away and I went to his funeral...the man died of a painful cancer, but at his funeral service, no one talked about his pain, his suffering, the amputation of his legs...they all cried and laughed to talk about his joy, his passion, his accomplishments and his humour. I realized that if I died then and there, there would be no note on my tombstone saying "Here lies NoDay. She was a saint 'cause her hubby was a pain in the @ss to deal with".
In the end, what other people think of your is a) entirely out of your hands, and b) completely none of your business
I encourage you to reach out to the National Domestic Violence hotline and see if they can refer you to resources in your area. You really could use a counsellor who is familiar with abuse. I would also warn you against couple's counselling with your AH...in cases of abuse, such counselling only gives the abuser the opportunity to justify himself/herself in the eyes of a third party.
Take care of yourself in every way possible. Your kids need you to be healthy and happy.
Keep posting
