chicory

Keepinon,

I dont want to sound ungrateful, but I cannot promise anything. I am going to do my best. I hope that I am strong enough then.

When I say this, that he has to go, at the end of the month, I am not just making it up. If I was not serious, I would not be on here, at risk of looking like a fool, if I back slide. I am here for the help. Time is running out for him and for me.

What can I say? This hurts, very much. Do you think I am not thinking about this , and how it is going to happen, and feel?

This is my son, for whom I would die. But, I want him to live, to quit drinking his anxiety away, to become self sufficient. that cannot happen here, so what choice do I have?

This is going to be the hardest thing I will have even done yet. I dread it. I know that when he leaves, I will hit the floor face first and cry like I have never done. It is against my very being, to withdraw a roof and bed from someone who has nothing. but, I have no choice, if I want him to have a life. this is no life for him. it is sad, and horrible.

i feel like my heart is between two rocks, and being crushed.

I have to keep telling myself that this will be ok. that he will begin to rely on his self, and that will give him dignity,and he will be proud of his self. he cant right now, and that is sad. he is ashamed of what he is and what he does not have.

I know that the drinking wont stop here, no matter what he promises.

he is right now, making comments , to guilt me. I am ignoring them as best I can. He walked by and said, "You know, I can't feel love for someone who would do this to me". I was just silent. I hate this.

I told him this morning that I am making him go, because I love him, and want him to become independent, and that his alcohol use has made this necessary. that his choice to drink when he has money, is not ok with me, in my home. that he has been taking advantage and not doing what he is capable of.

he says that he is so close now, to getting a job, that he has four jobs that look hopeful. that they are telling him to be patient, and that something is going to open up soon. But, I know that he will drink again, when he gets that paycheck. and I cant let that happen here. I wont watch him kill his self, and enable him to do it. and heck, I think that he only got serious this last week, after I told him that he has to go. and I dont even really believe that these jobs are opening, and even if the did, it is still not reason to have him here. he will drink- period.

He is going around picking up cig butts, and smoking the tobacco in a pipe. sometimes he smokes the ashes again. if he is out of tobacco. he is coughing a nasty cough, and i hate it, but i am ignoring it, and I figure if he is dumb enough to hurt his lungs that way, I am just gonna butt out of that. He has anxiety, and it is hard to quit smoking, Iknow, i used to do it. but, i believe that I would quit, before i smoke some nasty ash over and screw up my lungs. And I refuse to buy his smokes anymore. told him that a few weeks ago. it was just making it easier for him not to need a job. computer, coffee, and cigs. dont want him to get cancer either. dont want to hand him the smokes that give him cancer. if it did not cause cancer, I'd be smoking right now!

this has to end. my life matters too, and he is probably able to make it, somehow. he has a better chance now, as no one else is going to take him in. so, he is gonna have to learn, and work it out. it is only fair that he be responsible for his self. I want my life back.