Regarding the children:
One of the biggest head-butt I ever got was when my 18 year old left home with $5 in his pocket. We always had love among us all in the family--an aphrodisiac that kept us imprisoned. But my oldest son had "gotten away." He left for his new place 300 miles away with a beat-up Suburu and $5.
He didn't call to say he had made it safely, and when I said to the younger siblings that that was kind of funny and unlike him, my 12 year old son said, "Why should he? He left his troubles behind."
I tear up thinking about it now. Sure we had a nuclear family. But he was troubled, and not only did that drive him out of the house, but even my pre-teens knew why--his home life sucked.
So we can cling to our fantasies of two parents + two kids + dog but the truth is hidden underneath, and as the sober parent, it is our responsibility to uncover that truth.