Alone22

I have been married for 21 years to my HFA husband. We started dating when I was 16. Emotionally I have hit a brink wall. Husband has attempted sobriety many times over the past 8+ years. We have been to and are still going to counseling, both together and alone. Nothing seems to be helping and he continues to drink. We have 3 children, a nice home, but our marriage is in shambles due to his issues. I have no family for support (father is also a HFA and mother passed on about 17 years ago). I feel emotionally all alone.

I am a stay at home mom who at this point feels trapped in a bad marriage. While I have thought about going back to work and leaving, I see that option being more stressful than what I have now. I am left wondering how to cope and find some happiness in a life that is far from perfect and leaves me emotionally drained.

I understand what it means to be co-dependent and I have changed all I can. I understand that I am helpless when it comes to his illness, but now I just feel helpless period. I am a person who likes black or white, not grey and this seems so grey. I wonder and worry what his "bottom" will be. He knows that our marriage is being destroyed by his drinking and I am tired of this affair he has with a bottle. I am tired of how self centered he is. Tired of the lies, tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am angry and tried of being angry.

I plan on attending my first Al-anon meeting this coming Monday, but right now that feels like a lifetime away. Looking for others in this situation who can offer advise on how they cope and how they are able to block the negative so they can enjoy the happiness life offers. I love my kids and they bring great joy to my life, but the negative affects of my HFA husband is making it difficult for me to be happy. I am struggling to turn off my emotions without it affecting my happiness.

Help and thank you.