Thread: Is it normal?
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Old 03-03-2011, 03:39 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
chicory
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I've noticed that you often swing back and forth between saying how selfish and awful he is to you, and then how helpless and unable to care for himself he is. You want him OUT when he is being selfish and horrible, but you weaken when you think of him as helpless.

They are both sorta correct, in a way, but they are just facets of his behavior and personality that are screwed up by his alcoholism. Both would be drastically improved by recovery. Alcoholics are complicated people.

You don't have to wait until you are angry to put him out. In fact, I think it might be better if you do it when you AREN'T angry. If you do it when you are calm, and do it with love (even if he is raging at you), neither of you will have to feel that you put him out because you can't stand him.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, but do you get what I'm saying? If you made a plan for him to get out and insisted upon it, no matter what he says or does, and you don't lose it, yourself, no matter what he says or does, you might actually be able to follow through with it.

Because it wouldn't be done out of anger.

Does that make any sense?
Hi Lexie-

Yes, I see that you make sense, always.
but I am not really swinging back and forth here, I see him as all those things at the same time.
But I am trying to believe that he is able to change. I am trying to see things in a different way, other than what my heart fears. So that I don't grow weak, and feel that I have to let him stay.

i was telling my daughter yesterday, that as hard as it will be to put him out on the street, it will be worse to let him stay, to continue on the way he is , not being forced to make changes, or not dealing with his alcoholism.

Which I figure is going to be a long road, but he cant get there from my house. It scares me to wonder if he will ever get recovery, and what it is going to take for him to want it.

I am not going to make him go in anger. I am angry at him, yes, for mean things he says. really mean things. it makes me want to put him right out the door, but of course I love him and wont do that. I told him that he has the end of the month, and that it is because I cannot help him. That he has not done anything to really help his self. And that it is not my job to fix his life.

Last night, I told him that he could get help to get his life straightened out, but that first he might call some services and tell them that he self medicates with alcohol, and that they would offer help if he wants it. maybe he will remember that, when he is down enough, or miserable enough. He said, this is not about alcohol, but I said, that it is about alcohol.

he has no friends to go to. no one. i will literally be putting him into the street, with no car, no money, no way to get anywhere, but on foot. if he will agree, i will drop him at the shelter, but i have no idea if there is a bed or not. this is the hardest thing i will ever do. but maybe fending for his self will feel better than staying here, being depressed.
i am just so tired of this worry.

thanks for your post,
chicory
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