Originally Posted by Tuffgirl

I am going to do something I tend to shy away from, and that's challenge you as was done to me on a quacking post I left here. Reason being, the challenge was worthy and accurate and it made me shift my perspective. Take what works and leave the rest...

First of all, your RAH may be trying to talk the talk before he is able to walk the walk. Just today, concernednurse posted the following quote on another thread, and I wrote it down for future reminders, "You cannot think yourself into right acting, but you can act yourself into right thinking". He is going to AA (action), he is trying to reconnect with you (action) he is trying to reestablish his commitment to your family (action). It may be the actions you are seeing aren't what you want to see, so you don't consider them actually pretty big steps for the A.

My sponsor reminds me to thank my HP everyday that my RAH did not drink today. That in itself is a gift to both of us and our family. So when I start to head down the "I am not seeing enough action to make up for the crap I had to deal with before" road - I remind myself that today - my RAH is still an RAH and thank God for that. It helps to reframe my expectations so I don't miss out on the little action steps he is making by focusing on everything he is not doing that would truly satisfy my desire for some amends (yet, if ever). I have to acknowledge everything he is doing or none of it means anything and I am still the same old nagging, demanding wife that expects too much from him.

Lastly, in focusing on myself, I am taking the time to see how I feel about accepting who this man IS today, not who I thought/wanted/dreamed he was. That was a fantasy. This is my reality. Can I accept this? Can I find solace in what he has to offer or will I always feel short-changed?

Yeah, he hurt me, let me down, verbally abused me, made promises he never kept, was all talk and no action, blah blah blah. But that was then - this is now. He is in AA and not drinking, and that is HUGE! HUGE! He is trying to make some serious life changes. But consider how long did it take for your RAH to become an alcoholic? For mine, it was a solid 20 years...can I realistically expect him to change in 3 months? Probably not. But can I support his efforts, even if they pale in comparison to the damage he did as a drunk? Yes. Just for today. One day at a time. Progress, not perfection. And venting to other people when I get overwhelmed.

I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own hurt that we fail to see the hurt in others who hurt us. It's there, underneath the surface of a guy trying to stay sober. So maybe the quacking isn't really quacking - maybe it might be trying. Just food for thought...