Thread: Is it normal?
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:35 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
chicory
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Justjo, Why have I put up with it for so long?
I ask myself that, often, and I have to say, I dont know , yet.
I dont know if I really believe that he CANT do it alone.
I thought he might take advantage of a leg-up, a long time ago.
I do know now, that he will not take advantage of the leg- up.
I do know now that I can't fix his problems.
I do know now that his problems are his responsibility, and he does not want that. too bad.
I do know the peace that I am getting from not worrying about how to make him feel better.
I don't yet know when I am going to make him leave.

We have sort of been N/C, and I don't let him quack, or blame, or push my buttons anymore.
I do know that I look forward to having my space back.
I told him last week that he will not be here long.
He asked me if he should bother looking for a job, since he is not going to be living here for long, and I said, that it is always a good idea to get a job, but I did not bother to say anything else about it.
I am learning about who he really is, and what he really is doing to me, namely, taking advantage of me, and I wonder if he even realizes it. never was shown boundaries, i guess. i am just learning them myself.

I told him I was done worrying about his problems, that I am going to worry about only my own.

this is quite freeing. I know I will worry when he is out of here, but i believe that he is capable of surviving, if he wants to. I think he will want to.

it feels so good not to react to his moods. i know there is tough stuff ahead, but I am learning how to detach. and just what that means.
it is so strange, but it is like recovery comes to me , in pieces. i grow, then simmer, then grow, simmer, etc.
i can pick up" codependent no more," and i am beginning to grasp what some things mean, where they were just words and sayings before. They really mean something. It is NOT selfish to love yourself. I used to think that was strange and not possible. thought we only loved others.

There are some people in the world, whose security does not hinge on what others think of them. Some people are not blown away by criticism. they dont feel those bad feelings.

It is like I am inside a huge chunk of plaster, and I am chipping away at it, and seeing the person who is me, and I matter. My life, my happiness, and my feelings- all those things matter. I am not a pack mule, who has to carry others responsibilities.

I can create my own happiness, and my own security- my own support system. I am fine as I am. and I was not born to be a messed up person.

just some things i have learned lately. there is hope for me.
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