This could be my story. The details are a little different but no matter. My AH wasn't always a heavy drinker. We were married over 20 years before he started to drink regularly and to excess. He too was a great guy, a decent and good man who loved me. He was the man of my dreams: a good father and husband.
You wrote: "Now for the kicker of it. He doesn't treat me badly - has never abused me, loves me to death and dotes on me. He contributes to the household chores and does things with me, whether its fishing, taking in a craft show or doing chores around the house. He listens to me..."
Well my husband did all those things too. Then about 20 years ago things began to change. He quit a job that he hated and I suggested that he should consider taking a break.
I could go back to work and support us for awhile. He could do the homemaker stuff and I'd bring home the bacon. Our oldest had just moved out on his own and the other two boys wouldn't be far behind.
That was the last job AH ever worked. But neither he nor I knew that at the time. I didn't just find a job I landed into a career. I loved it. AH supported my career.
He was a lousy homemaker. I didn't care. It wasn't my job and the boys continued to become more independent and move out on their own so it wasn't as important as it once was. He started drinking more but I didn't see it. He was sober when he brought me coffee in bed every workday and he was sober when I got home in the evening. Although I did catch him asleep every now and then. Back then he either didn't drink on the weekends when I was home or kept it way down. This went on for about 15 years.
My sons had some issues with their dad. I either didn't see or didn't want to see a lot of that. I passed it off as father/son teenage issues. I have maintained good relationships with my sons. None of them are drinkers and I hope they never will be, but knowing what I know now about alcoholism the statistics are against them. My middle son behaves so much like his dad it scares me. It's as if he has learned all my husbands alcoholic behaviors and merely skipped the drinking part.
My husband is a morning drinker. He drinks at home and doesn't drink and drive. He's always been a bit of a loner but for several years has totally isolated himself.
Now, retired and home everyday I see what I missed. I've had to own up to the fact that I really have been in denial about my husband's drinking. He started being verbally abusive, calling me names and blaming me for everything in his life that went wrong. I knew that had to be BS because I wasn't pouring the beer down his throat nor could I have been the reason he didn't get along with co-workers on his last job.
Then as I started learning all I could about alcoholism I began to understand that alcoholics invent issues and say whatever they need to say to keep drinking. This year I've begun to notice physical symptoms of AH's long term drinking.
I finally got it that I can't fix him but I can take care of me and I've begun putting together a plan that I call TAKING MY LIFE BACK. I've set myself up so that if I want to I can be out the door and gone in about two minutes. I've almost completed my research into the divorce process in my state should I need it.
I've got a few friends and a support system. I don't know if I'll leave my marriage, but I like knowing that I'm not helpless and stuck. I've got a cash stash hidden away. And, I'm working on how I might make some money to supplement my social security. Geeze.
All I'm saying to you here is don't be foolish. His drinking already affects your day to day living. If it didn't, you wouldn't be posting here. Alcoholism is progressive. It keeps on getting worse. Today you are his queen but he might be calling you something else down the road.
I'm not telling you my story to hurt you or make you angry. I just don't want to see you in my situation fifteen years from now. I take my marriage vows seriously. I promised until death us do part--not love and honor until it becomes inconvenient.
Alcoholism may or may not be a disease. There are good arguments on both sides of that debate. But is sure as heck is a "DEAL BREAKER." I didn't sign on for this. It's the worse kind of worse in for better or worse.