I failed.
I seriously thought about not admitting that on here or to anyone I am seeking counsel with in person, mostly because I am ashamed.
I could see myself sneaking around, trying to still pretend I am being strong and succeeding. Then I realized that is what he would do, when he drank. That makes me no better than he.
Besides which, I am not growing or learning to take care of me, if I am lying to those around me, even more so, if I am lying to me.
His disease has become my disease. That is clear in the fact that I thought to even consider lying to people I have never personally met and have never judged my failures, who have only offered support and tried to help me see the ugly truth about my relationship. Noone knows who I really am, and yet, I feel the need to lie to protect the personna I built on here of trying to be strong. I need to be strong, so others can too. I am proud. I don't want anyone to know I failed.
However, something from AA kept running through my head. HOW (honest, open minded, willing)
Well, how can anyone help me? how can I help myself , if I am lying to both?
Noone can. So as of late yesterday evening, I admit, I broke. I failed.
I did not remain no contact. My boundary is poof.
Now begins the process to rebuild me. I have attended alanon 2x this week. I am seeing a DV counselor weekly. What more can I do?
I have learned in this book "Codependency, no more" that my own behaviors are as destructive as much as his alcoholic behaviors are.
Even though he is still sober (about 6 weeks) my behaviors have not changed.
I am/was still angry.
My daughter has these same behaviors. I witnessed a grand display of them yesterday. I realized standing there in that moment, she probably learned them from me. After all, I did raise her alone for 12 years. Now she is seeking solace in the arms of a controlling, manipulating, punk.
Sounds remarkably familiar, hey?
So based on the info that I probably taught my daughter these behaviors, it would stand to reason, I had these behaviors before I met AH.
It seems obvious to me I sought out the relationship I am in, 2 years ago, because of my unhealthy behavioral needs, thoughts, traits. In other words, had it not been this particular man, it would have been one with the same traits. No doubt.
So this begs the question: Where did my codependency begin? What caused it?
Or does that matter anymore?
Do i have to trace the roots of my codependency beginnings to resolve them? Or can i simply let that go and change?
I got caught up in telling mh AH that he has to own each of his bad behaviors in order to change them. He insists that he has. He has a "blanket" owning, if you will.
He "fell out of walking with God." He was drinking too much, he knows this and owns it. He needed to quit and has done so. He did things when he was drinking that he would not normally do.
Is this enough? For him it is. A blanket "I owned what I did." In my mind, if I remember some awful thing hes done, we should talk about it and he should own it.
Is that my codependent behavior that needs him to own everything individually?
Where is the compassion for the A as I have heard many people talk about? I personally have had very little for mine up to now.
Doesn't everybody deserve forgiveness? I have no problem doing that for sometime, then, the anger comes back and I want him to own whatever I remembered him doing to me.
I also realized maybe I've been too hard on my daughter in the wrong ways. I tend to be too soft and then too hard.
I need to set reasonable boundaries, and hold her to them. I am starting today to repair my relationship with her. That is my goal for today. Start with an act of kindness, and compassion. Explain to her about boundaries and the ones I choose to set and why. Ask for her input.
I have been talking to her about codependency, and attending alanon but she will not hear of it. So, do I simply let that go? I am guessing yes is the answer to that.
Let me add, he's a real
pr*ck even when he is sober, but the physical abuse and womanizing only happened when he was drinking. I don't deny they were ugly.
I am disappointed in myself for breaking the nc thing. I will probably continue with contact. I keep thinking he is sober, and my behavior since he has been sober have not changed. I have not given him the benefit of allowing him to try to repair the relationship because my codependent behavior continues.
If you see skewed thinking, please contribute. Help me see my way through this. TY
Anyhoo.