chicory

Thanks Suki and Lexie,(I posted this before i saw your post lexie)
I just dont wish to appear like the person who cries "poor me" , look how badly I am being treated" and yet enjoying that position, like someone who uses it to get pity or power. I am quite ashamed of this life i am living. i love so many things about life, and there are so many things i am missing, and i dont want to have my health taken away by all this worry. if he wants to be sick, unhealthy, and have nothing, i guess that is his choice.

It doesn't help matters that my daughters feel he will never be able to be on his own, or hold a job, or anything like normal functioning. his dad says he will be a bum on the street. these "images" in my head dont help. ii makes me feel like i am throwing him out like a piece of trash, or a helpless unbalanced person who is doomed to fail. and starve and be hungry, feel unloved, etc. those thoughts get in the way of healthy thoughts.
i dont really agree with them.

i do think that he may end up needing some counselling, but he won't ever get it if he is being taken care of here. So, I see all the good things that can come from putting him out on his own.

he was never vile to me as a kid, just argued a lot, to get his way. just badgered me until my brain was mush, and I gave in. how stupid was i ? I never wanted to be like my mother, and went the total opposite direction with my kids.I can still feel her hand on my mouth, and my own lips smacked against my teeth, if i had even dared to argue with her about anything. even if i was innocent of something, she was an angry woman who was not able to deal with her childrens feelings.

So, i let them speak their minds, and listened. that backfired with my son, my first child, for he learned that if he argued enough he would get his way. that i would hate saying no. i created a monster, too.


Thank you ladies. I will look at it, as you suggest. i am trying to do that actually. I do a lot of self talk, and try to look at it as a man here, not my son, and how unacceptable this is. and you are so right, he is unable to make the break his self.

i am pondering the idea of turning off internet, tho it is my life at home. it is an idea that makes sense, but i would be lost without it. we dont watch tv.
and then give him 30 days, and time to get his affairs in order. say his farewells to his online friends. he has no faith that he will ever be able to get a simple job and a simple apartment. i find that so very sad, tragic.

i appreciate your support and help. i really do. it is very helpful and is keeping me sane.
hugs