Thanks, Cyranoak. I've been doing the back and forth in my head this week. I love him, I love him not. My own version of the mental gymnastics I accuse him of doing.
Respect is huge for me. But reading your perspective, I am wondering if I lost respect or if I just didn't like his drunken behaviors. He was also cruel, nasty, blaming, and angry, but he, too, was never pathetic nor stupid.
A friend from Al-Anon said to me yesterday that I am forgetting to celebrate everyday the fact that he didn't drink that day. That should be first and foremost. Oh, how easy is it to forget that...especially since I'd rather focus on me, not him!
One day at a time - think I need this tattooed on my arm where I can see it every day. Thanks for the reminder.