chicory

My fear isn't helping this situation at all. Just keeps me stuck.

I feel I am being held responsible for "keeping" my son here, in some peoples opinions. Reflecting on that yesterday, I have to say my son is equally responsible for being here, and actually, he is USING me more easily than he could anyone else, cause I am his mom and love him.

So, I do not agree that I am keeping him here, tho I am letting him stay here. my love for my son keeps me in this situation, but it is hurting him, which I have totally accepted. and must act on.

Its almost like i am a hostage. I would love NOTHING more in the world, than for him to leave and be on his own. He will be in a bad way when he does have to leave, but that is what it's gonna take for him to face facts. He cant do it here, that is obvious. He gets worse and so do I.

I never wanted him to come here, but he had no where to go, and it is unnatural not to feel frantic when a son or daughter is in need of food and shelter. at least it is for me. i have been desperate before and know how terrible it is. BUT, this is a life or death situation for my son, I know that now. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices- of drinking- of not looking for work hard enough- of hurting his self and others.

My fear is that my son will not have a life, but i am having faith that many here know what a person in his shoes needs, and what may work, and it makes sense to me. this has not worked in anyones favor. My dysfunction has allowed this for too long, but when you dont know any thing about parenting, you dont do things right sometimes. my a parents sure did not give me any tools for this job, and i have had to wing it. not easy with a stubborn willful son who is much smarter than me and pushes my buttons of guilt and fear. he is very very good at manipulation.

and that fear- well- it just immobilizes me. it's gotta go.

hugs
chicory