day 4
I struggled yesterday in the am not to cave.
I felt panic. Fear of abandonment, I am beginning to think. I intend to get a book on that too! lol
I ran to my first alanon meeting. I eventually felt calm after dealing with other "errands" while I was out.
In the evening, I watched a movie about a man so in love with a woman, he isolated himself for 40 years last night.
All night long I considered calling him to ask, "How could you do this to us? How dare you destroy this that we had. We could have been great together."
Apparently, I need to tell myself a few things:
"Self. "This that we had" was a fantasy you formed in your mind. It wasn't ever great from the get go. It was an extreme desire to have a wonderful marriage and you, self, were going to make that happen at all costs, including losing you. Guess what? You did lose you. It is okay to fail. I give you permission. It is okay you made a mistake. It is okay you chose a man who is not good for you. But now, self, it is time to let go of him, and find you again. It is time to move on. Let go of your fear of being told, "I told you so." They did tell you so. Many, many told you what a mistake you were making. In your stubbornness, even then, You chose to make that mistake. Admit it and move on. Get over your pride. Eat your crow and simply go."
Folks, I made a mistake marrying that man. I clearly made a mistake. Noone's fault but my own. I chose to give up my life to hop in to a pretend life of impossible expectations. I chose to make changes in my life through reacting to feelings I did not like and tried to avoid, rather than make changes based on real well-thought-out choices, using time and good judgement.
Thanks for listening!
I think I may have just confirmed my AH's assertion that I am CRAZY, but I needed to hear somethings nobody could have known to tell me but me! Oops!:rotfxko
Just taking care of myself now, cause guess what? NOBODY ELSE IS!