Hi vvl71w, and Welcome to SR!!!!
You experience is similar to many of the stories here. Please take some time for yourself and read the threads. Also, the stickies at the top of each forum contain some really useful information.
What we learn here and in our face-to-face Al-Anon meetings is a concept we call the 3 C's:
We did not cause the drinking. So in spite of how often your AW (alcoholic wife) tries to push the blame onto others, it's just not true.
We cannot control the alcoholic. No amount of our begging, threatening, pleading, or ultimatums will get the alcoholic to change their behavior.
We cannot cure the alcoholic. We are just not that powerful.
Wow did I struggle with these at first. These are very frustrating ideas.....but in time I found them to be very freeing as well. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
The sad truth is, that unless the alcholic is allowed to feel the full consequences of their drinking, they are unlikely to ever want to change. If we continue to provide a nice clean environment for them to come home to, if we continue to provide money to fuel their drinking, if we continue to bail them out of jail.....well, there is not incentive for them to change.
The good news is, we CAN be happy regardless of whether or not the A in our lives is drinking. I encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area.....so many of us have found this support to be invaluable.
Huge hugs and many prayers, HG