Gosh, this sounds very hard. How on earth have you stayed all these years?
You have lost perspective at this stage. This is ridiculous. If she was a man, she would be out long ago. When your children are mad at you for NOT leaving, things are bad.
I think you should go to ALANON. Seek legal advice. Let her wreck the place, and let her explain it to others.
Do not lift a finger to fix anything. Let her see and feel the consequences of her actions. Go visit your friends by your self.
Inject some "normal" into your life.
Talk about a hostage!
Do not cover for her in any way. Treat her as someone who has behaved badly. Do not engage in any post-pi$$up pity parties. Let her stew. You can continue with your own life and go visit your kids etc. When she sees that you are no longer enabling, covering up and fixing the problem, my guess is she will stop and think.
Then, when you have her attention, it is rehab or nothing. No excuses. Either she is willing to do what is needed or she is not. In the meantime, you assess your legal situation. I agree with another post, why should you leave? You sound like you actually care about your home, while she trashes it.
Sorry if I sound mean. I also think, a little vacation or weekend away with some good company is in order. Can you do that?
